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How to Fight Gambling Urges

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It can be really hard to stop gambling. And once you’ve stopped, it takes ongoing work to resist urges to gamble again.

It’s normal to feel the urge to gamble even years after you’ve stopped. The important thing is how you respond to these urges to resist falling back into dangerous gambling habits.

There’s no reason why you can’t fight your gambling urges and maintain your new way of life, and it can help to have a few strategies up your sleeve when things get tough.

We hope these tips help you fight your gambling urges, one day at a time.

 

Identify your triggers

When you know what triggers your gambling urges, you can work on how to avoid them and/or respond to them in a healthy way. Take notice of when you most feel like gambling and if you can identify a pattern.

Your urge to gamble might increase when you:

  • Get paid
  • Are bored
  • Have a bad day
  • Are worried about bills/debt
  • Experience relationship stress
  • Have been drinking or using drugs.

This daily monitoring sheet from Gambling Help Queensland can help you keep track of your gambling and pick up on any trends. For example, if you notice that you feel like gambling when you drive past a gaming venue on your way home from work, you might like to take a different route to avoid the temptation.

 

Stay busy

Boredom can be a dangerous state for anyone with an addiction. Just think of the people addicted to their smartphones who can’t sit still for five minutes without mindlessly scrolling through social media apps!

Being bored can make you crave some fun and stimulation, and this is when gambling urges can arise.

You can avoid this by staying busy with fulfilling hobbies and activities. Fill your days with the things you enjoy, whether it’s playing sport, working on a puzzle, or catching up with your loved ones. You may find your urges to gamble decrease when you have an enjoyable routine that keeps you busy and happy.

 

Remember why you stopped

When those gambling urges get a hold of you and it’s all you can think about, it can be helpful to focus on why you wanted to stop gambling in the first place.

What are your motivations for breaking free from compulsive gambling? Could it be your family? Your job? Financial freedom? More time to spend on the important stuff?

You might like to make a list of these things so you can remember your ‘why’ and all the benefits of being free from harmful gambling behaviours.

 

Find ways to manage your stress

Stress can be a major contributing factor to problem gambling behaviours. Everyone experiences some level of stress at work and at home, and it’s important to find healthy ways to cope.

Some common ways to manage and reduce stress include:

  • Exercise
  • Meditation
  • Breathing exercises
  • Taking a quiet bath
  • Listening to relaxing music
  • Talking to a trusted friend or family member
  • Talking to a professional.

We offer some helpful strategies to manage work stress in this blog post.

If you need someone to talk to about gambling or any other concerns, our counsellors can provide a safe, private, and judgement-free environment. Learn more about our free Gambling Help Services here, or call 1300 364 277 for more information on how we can help you.

How to Have a Difficult Conversation

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Difficult conversations are a part of life, but that doesn’t mean we like having them.

Bringing up a topic that could cause conflict is scary, especially when we’re talking to someone we care about. It can seem easier to tiptoe around things like our partner never taking out the bins, or our boss not appreciating our hard work.

But figuring out how to have a hard conversation can sometimes be the first step to changing your situation for the better.

Here are some tips to help make your next tough conversation a little easier.

 

Prepare for the conversation

Being clear about what you want and how you’re feeling can make navigating difficult conversations simpler, but it can be hard to know exactly what to say in the moment.

A little bit of preparation can go a long way toward achieving the result you want.

Questions can be a great tool to help you think about the key points you want to bring up. Try asking yourself:

  • Why do I feel like I need to have this conversation?
  • What do I want to walk away from this discussion with?
  • Am I making any assumptions about how they’re feeling?
  • Is there anything else affecting how I’m feeling?

Thinking about these things beforehand can help you speak more clearly and calmly when you’re ready to start talking. Another way you could prepare is by practising the conversation with a friend unrelated to the issue to get a feel for exactly what you want to say.

 

Make sure you’re both in the right mindset before you start

Did you know that you can accurately predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes?

One of the hardest parts of having a difficult conversation is the beginning. Starting off on the right foot is important.

It’s normal to feel nervous and convince yourself the talk will go badly, but expecting a good result makes it a lot easier to approach the problem with the right attitude.

Before you start talking, take some time to visualize the best possible outcome. Thinking about the benefits of a resolution will help you remember what you’re working toward and make it easier to engage in a productive way.

Picking the right time is also important. Make sure to only bring up the topic when you’re both alert, relaxed and in a comfortable environment. You might even like to schedule it in advance to avoid catching the other person by surprise.

 

Be mindful of how you speak

Language is a tricky thing. It can be easy to read into what someone is saying based on the words they choose, especially if tensions are already high.

One simple way to stop a conversation from getting too hostile is to steer clear of statements that actively blame the other person. Try to avoid “you” statements with words like “never” or “always” in them, like:

  • “You never listen to me”
  • “You always do this”
  • “You’re so careless”
  • “You make me do everything”

Instead, you can use “I” statements to express these ideas, focusing on how you feel instead. A good “I” statement talks about the emotion you feel in response to an action, like:

  • “I feel upset when you don’t respond to what I’m saying because I think you’re not listening”
  • “I get frustrated when you don’t fold your washing because I feel like I’ve communicated that it’s important to me”
  • “I get anxious when you spend money without telling me because I like to be able to plan our budget”
  • “I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated when you don’t help out with the chores”

“I” statements make fewer assumptions about the other person, which can make it easier for them to hear and understand your point.

 

Listen

Often, the most important part of a conversation isn’t what we say, but what we hear.

Making sure both parties take the time to listen respectfully to the other person’s point of view is important for finding a resolution.

As tough as it can be at times, try not to interrupt each other. When the other person is speaking, focus on what they’re actually saying and not what you think they feel.

A good way to make sure you’re still on the same page is to repeat their point back to them after they’ve finished talking by saying “If I’m understanding, you think…”

They’ll either agree with your statement or provide more detail about their point of view, which will help you understand it better.

 

Take a break

Even when you’re both trying your best to be respectful, having a difficult conversation can be draining and upsetting.

If you feel like emotions are running too high for you to think clearly or you’re stuck talking in circles, it’s okay to call a time out.

Take half an hour to go and do something that relaxes you, like walking outside or reading a book.

This means when you come back to the conversation, you’ll be in a better frame of mind for reaching a positive conclusion.

Sometimes having a difficult conversation isn’t enough to reach the resolution you need, and there’s no easy solution to a tough situation.

Relationships Australia Queensland offers a wide range of family and marriage counselling services to support you if you feel like you can’t move forward from the same issues.

You can learn more about our services here, and for more tips to respectfully navigate conflict, check out our article How To Fight Fair In A Relationship.

How to Talk to Your Parents About Their Will

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They say there are two things guaranteed in life: death and taxes. Ironically enough, death and money are two of the most taboo topics in many cultures. This may be why some people are reluctant to ask their ageing parents about their will and estate plans.

Maybe you’re worried you’ll seem greedy or nosy, or perhaps you simply don’t want to think about your parents passing.

But as uncomfortable as it might be, it’s an important conversation to have to ensure their final wishes are respected – and no one is left confused and scrambling when the time comes.

We hope these tips help make it a little easier to talk to your parents about their will.

 

Find an appropriate time

Give some thought to when and where you’d like to broach this sensitive subject. For example, somewhere private and relaxed could be appropriate. Your parents might feel most comfortable in their own home.

Try to ease into the topic by sharing an anecdote about someone you know, or your own experiences with estate planning. If you don’t like the idea of springing it on them, you might prefer to give them some notice by scheduling a meeting to discuss the topic together.

 

Don’t wait until there’s a crisis

Don’t save the conversation for when someone experiences a sudden health scare or seems to be in their final years. It can be delicate enough without adding urgency to the mix.

Plan ahead and have the discussion with plenty of time for both you and your parents to prepare. Raise the topic while your parents are healthy and of sound mind to ensure you’re on the same page, and to provide them with peace of mind that their wishes are known.

 

Don’t lecture them

The last thing you want is for your parents to feel like they’re being interrogated or spoken down to.

Let them lead the conversation, listen without judgement, and focus on their wants and concerns. Get an idea of what they’ve done and what still needs taking care of, and offer to help if needed.

 

Don’t make it all about money

This conversation shouldn’t be focused solely on finances and assets. Make it clear you’re not interested in dollar amounts – you simply care about their wishes and want an idea of how they’ve planned for after they’ve passed.

Some important things to cover might include:

  • Where they keep important documents
  • Who they’ve named executor of their will
  • Who they’ve named power of attorney
  • Their preferences for potential long-term care
  • Their wishes for their funeral.

 

Seek legal help

While you can write a will yourself, it’s recommended that you consult a lawyer to ensure your will conforms to legal requirements. It’s the best way to guarantee your parents don’t miss anything and their final wishes will be respected.

RAQ offers support to older people in Queensland to plan for the future and make important decisions. Learn about our range of free services aimed at providing education, advice, and referrals here.

What to do When You’re Jealous of Your Friend

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Does your friend’s good news fill you with envy instead of happiness?

Jealousy is a normal emotion that can help us learn more about what’s important to us and what we want in life.

We sometimes feel jealous when someone has something we don’t – whether it’s money, material objects, a relationship, or career success. But jealousy can be harmful if left unchecked, impacting our self-esteem, happiness, and relationships.

We hope these tips help if you’re struggling with feelings of envy in your friendships.

 

Confront the feelings

Take notice the next time you feel envy, and ask yourself what the emotion is trying to tell you. What’s making you jealous? Try to get to the root of the issue.

You might notice your envy is triggered by a particular person or topic. Maybe it’s a specific sibling or close friend you get jealous of, or perhaps you turn green when someone achieves a specific goal that you desire or feel insecure about.

Confront your jealousy and look within to learn what it says about your values and your self-worth. Have some self-compassion and remember that envy is a normal emotion; it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Remember it’s you, not them

It can be easy to let jealousy take over and take our resentment and frustration out on the person we’re jealous of. But it’s important to remember that this is your issue, and your friend isn’t hurting you on purpose.

We’re all on our own path in life, and you may not make progress, achieve success or tick off milestones at the same pace as your friend.

If envy is impacting the way you treat your friend, it might help to be honest with them and address it instead of letting it fester.

 

Turn envy into motivation

As uncomfortable as envy can be, it can also be a powerful force for change.

When you pay attention to what makes you jealous, it can point you toward the steps we need to take to achieve our goals.

If you feel jealous of your friend’s new job, it might be a sign you should make a career change. If you envy your friend’s relationship, it might mean you should take action to improve yours or put yourself out there to meet new people.

Turn your envy into motivation to achieve the things you want and live the life you dream of.

 

Want to increase your support network? Talking to a counsellor can help you find ways to cope with feelings of envy and insecurity. You can call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment face to face, over the phone or via Zoom video call.

Are you putting your happiness on hold until you achieve a goal? If you suffer from “I’ll be happy when” syndrome, you might like our blog post How to Stop Waiting to be Happy.

Tips for Social Anxiety

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For some people, meeting up with mates brings excitement and an energy boost. For others, it can trigger sweating, shaking, nausea, a pounding heart, and excess worry that they’ll do or say the wrong thing.

These are all common symptoms of social anxiety.

Anyone can experience social anxiety – whether you’re a shy introvert or an outgoing extrovert. Research shows almost 11% of Aussies experience social phobia at some point in their lives. So if it’s something you live with, just know you’re not alone.

We hope our advice for social anxiety helps if you’ve been diagnosed with the condition or simply struggle in social settings from time to time.

 

Stop catastrophising in its tracks

It’s easy to get swept up in the worrying and ‘what ifs’ that social anxiety can brew in our brains. But treating these negative thoughts as facts can have us spiralling down a dark rabbit hole before any of them have even happened!

Fact: 85% of what we worry about NEVER happens. So next time a social invitation has you imagining all the bad things that could go wrong, take a deep breath and remind yourself that these are just bad thoughts. Unless you’re psychic, there’s a very low chance these scary scenarios are a realistic glimpse into the future.

 

Remind yourself of positive social interactions

Remember all those times you caught up with friends, presented in front of a group, or made an important phone call and everything went just fine?

We tend to focus on the negatives and forget all the successful social interactions we’ve had over the years. If you’re nervous or anxious before a social event, try to think of a few recent cases where you had a positive experience.

 

Start small with exposure

Interacting in a big group can be overwhelming. If you’re prone to social anxiety, try to ease yourself into socialising with one-on-one catch ups or smaller gatherings instead.

This kind of controlled exposure to social situations can help take away some of the fear and prepare you for larger events in the future, while avoiding social situations altogether can make these social interactions seem even more intimidating.

 

Avoid relying on drugs/alcohol to cope

There’s nothing wrong with having a drink or two if it helps you relax and feel more comfortable talking to people. In fact, the confidence boost gained from alcohol is commonly called ‘Dutch courage’. But relying on alcohol and drugs to get through social interactions can become problematic if it’s done irresponsibly or develops into an unhealthy dependence or addiction.

The misuse of substances can be damaging for you and the people around you. Becoming intoxicated at a party or social event can also cause what’s called ‘hangxiety’. Ever woken up after a night of drinking and feel anxious and panicked about what you might have said and done? That’s hangxiety – and it can make your social anxiety worse. So always drink responsibly.

 

Write down a script before phone calls

Can’t hear yourself think over the sound of your heart pounding? If making a phone call triggers your anxiety, it might be worth writing a script to get you through it.

Whether you make a general list of the topics you need to cover or write a word-for-word script, this is an easy way to avoid awkward pauses and/or mind blanks during those personal and professional calls.

 

Carry conversation starters

If your mind goes blank in social situations, this could be thanks to social anxiety’s close friend, brain fog. Brain fog messes with our thought process and makes it hard for us to remember things, which can lead to awkward silences at parties and gatherings.

A great way to combat uncomfortable silences is to be prepared with conversation starters before meeting with people, either on palm cards or in your phone notes.

These might include:

  • How did the COVID lockdown/s impact you?
  • What have you been watching and/or reading lately?
  • What are you excited about at the moment?

You might also like to list some reminders about their lives, such as the name of their partner, what they do for work and other details. This might seem simple, but it could save you wondering whether their partner’s name is Tim or Tom when the brain fog kicks in!

If you’re struggling with social anxiety and need some extra support, talking to a counsellor can help. Our counsellors provide a safe and supportive environment to talk about your concerns and explore solutions. You can call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment, or learn more about counselling here.

Discover some of the main types of anxiety in this article.

How to Date Multiple People

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Dating multiple people at once is a normal part of being single and a great way to increase your pool of potential partners.

Thanks to dating websites and apps, it’s never been easier to meet new people in your area that you might never have crossed paths with by chance. But as fun as it can be, playing the field requires some etiquette to ensure no one gets hurt.

Here are our top tips for dating more than one person at a time.

 

Be open and honest

There’s no limit to how many people you can date as long as everyone involved is OK with it. It’s important to be honest about your situation and your intentions from the get-go to avoid any confusion or disappointment.

If your end goal is to find an exclusive relationship, let them know it’s a possibility down the track. If you’re simply having fun and not looking for anything serious, be upfront about it. Chances are your dates will be understanding – especially in the early stages where you’re just getting to know each other.

 

Accept that your dates might be doing the same

It’s common for singles to keep their options open, so don’t be surprised if your dates are also dating multiple people. Communication is key to ensure you’re on the same page about what you expect and what you’re looking for.

Remember: You can’t expect exclusivity from someone if you’re seeing other people yourself. If you have a problem with it, you might like to ask yourself why you feel that way and whether that points to a deeper issue.

 

Don’t kiss and tell

No one likes hearing the details about their date’s other love interests. When you’re on a date, be completely present with that person and make them feel like they’re the only one on your mind.

While it’s important for your dates to know you’re seeing other people, you shouldn’t spill any further details – especially their identity.

 

Don’t overbook yourself

As fun as it is, dating can be tiring – especially if you’re seeing several people at once! You feel pressured to present the best version of yourself, and you’re working hard to remember their interests and keep the conversation flowing. This can be mentally and physically draining.

It’s important to keep your wellbeing in mind and balance your dates to ensure you have some downtime in between. And whatever you do, don’t double-book!

Wondering when it’s time to call it quits? Discover advice in our blog post Should We Break Up?.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

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Do you ever worry you’re not as good as you seem? Like you have no clue what you’re doing and it’s only a matter of time until others find out?

If you feel you’re ‘tricking’ people into thinking you’re better than you actually are, you may have imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is a phenomenon where you struggle to accept your own successes, and instead attribute them to other factors like luck.

While a little bit of doubt now and then is normal, imposter syndrome can be harmful if you don’t take the time to challenge your beliefs. Some ways imposter syndrome can affect how you act include:

  • Downplaying your achievements and taking full responsibility for your failures
  • Refusing to accept compliments
  • Constantly comparing yourself to others
  • Overworking to make sure ‘everything is getting done’
  • Perfectionism
  • Being reluctant to speak openly in case you seem ‘stupid’.

While there’s no one explanation for how imposter syndrome can develop, being a high achiever or a perfectionist may make it harder for you to accept when you’ve done a good job, and lead to those feelings of being a fraud. Anxiety and depression can also make it difficult for you to acknowledge your achievements and contribute to imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome can make you feel stressed, upset and isolated. Here are some tips to manage it if it starts feeling overwhelming.

 

Realise you’re not alone

Did you know that most executive managers are scared of being found incompetent?

It’s easy to feel like you’re the only person pulling the wool over other peoples’ eyes. But the truth is that almost everyone doubts themselves sometimes.

People with imposter syndrome often fall into the trap of comparing their failures to others’ successes. But situations like starting a new job or taking on a challenging project are stressful no matter how ‘successful’ you are. In those circumstances, a bit of doubt about if you’re making the right choices is normal.

So the next time you’re worried your boss thinks you’re incompetent, remember they’ve probably had days where they feel like they’re fooling people too!

 

Try a new angle

Many people with imposter syndrome have a performance mindset, which means they think of their work as a reflection of how competent they are.

This can make it hard to handle criticism, as making a mistake can feel like a sign of your underlying failures or incompetence.

But making mistakes and receiving constructive criticism is a normal part of working in a team, which is why switching to a learning mindset can be a good way to combat those feelings of inadequacy.

Instead of focusing on making your work perfect, try and focus on ways you can learn and improve in response to feedback. This way, making mistakes doesn’t seem like an indicator of incompetence, but just a normal part of improving your skills at something new.

 

Be patient and persistent

One of the things that can make imposter syndrome worse is constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling like they’re better than you. But nobody ever became an expert at anything overnight!

It’s important to remember that a lot of the things you might feel like you’re failing at are skills, and skills get better with practice.

To combat those feelings of failure, try writing down an honest assessment of what you’re good at and where your work could be improved. Brainstorm ways to improve a few particular skills on that list, like taking a class or doing practice exercises.

Be patient as you work on these skills, and remember with regular practice, you’ll naturally improve over time.

 

Give a lesson to the class

Sometimes a great way to recognise your own expertise is to teach someone else.

Do you know something you could pass on to someone else in your life? Maybe a colleague or a friend could benefit from learning something you already know.

Helping others can be a good way of reminding yourself how much you’ve learned already. If someone in your life wants to learn something you’re skilled at, offer to set aside some time to teach them.

They’ll be grateful for your help, and along the way you might realise you knew more than you thought!

 

Take time to celebrate your wins

Stopping to acknowledge what you’ve accomplished can help you feel more like you deserve your success.

Try taking a little time every day to write down something you’re proud of. Spending even just five minutes patting yourself on the back for finishing that to-do list or completing a big project can be a great step towards breaking free of imposter syndrome.

It also means you have a list of your achievements on hand that you can look back on whenever you’re having a particularly bad day.

 

Talk to someone

If you’re still spending most of your day feeling like a fraud, it might be helpful to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.

Maybe you could talk to a trusted mentor who could give you an honest assessment of your work, or a friend who can give you space to talk about your fears.

If these feelings persist, seeking professional support can help you start to untangle those feelings of inadequacy and perfectionism.

RAQ has counsellors who can help you work through the negative feelings that come with imposter syndrome. Call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone or via Zoom video chat.

For more tips on how to manage negative feelings when you start doubting yourself, check out our article on how to silence your inner critic.

Where Does Domestic Violence Start?

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What do you picture when you think of domestic violence?

Maybe you imagine some swearing that leads to yelling that leads to shoving and ends in hitting?

There are many forms of domestic abuse, and all types (such as emotional, verbal, sexual, financial and physical abuse) can be just as damaging to survivors.

This article will explore some warning signs of escalation of domestic violence.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

What is domestic violence?

While physical violence is domestic violence, abuse can occur in many ways. 

Some types of abuse might include a partner who:

  • Is extremely jealous or possessive
  • Wants to know where you are and who you’re with at all times
  • Tells you who you can and can’t speak to or spend time with
  • Tells you what to wear or how you should look
  • Controls all the finances in the home
  • Belittles you in front of others or when you’re alone
  • Blames you for all the problems in the relationship
  • Believes in rigid gender roles (e.g. man who expects woman to cook and clean)
  • Yells and/or uses disrespectful language when speaking to you
  • Puts you down and criticises you
  • Pressures you into sex or sexual acts
  • Throws things or punches walls when angry
  • Threatens violence to you, your children or your pets
  • Makes you feel unsafe.

All of these behaviours are a form of domestic violence. If you experience one or more of these, you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, which can have serious damaging effects. 

Patterns of abuse can change over time, and these behaviours may change to include acts of physical violence.  Physical abuse can also come out of nowhere. 

You can learn more about emotional abuse and where to get help in this blog post.

 

What escalates domestic violence?

It’s important to remember that domestic abuse is a choice and the responsibility lies entirely on the abuser – regardless of external circumstances. There is no excuse for abuse.

With this in mind, there are some circumstances where domestic violence can escalate, including:

  • Jealousy e.g. suspected infidelity
  • Sudden job loss
  • Financial stress
  • Alcohol or drug use
  • Untreated mental health issues.

Again, abuse is a choice that only the abuser is responsible for, and external factors like these are not an excuse to hurt others.

Someone with a drug or alcohol addiction who abuses their partner might become sober and still choose to abuse their partner.

 

Where to get help

RAQ offers a range of counselling and support services for people affected by domestic and family violence and those who use power and control within their families.

Learn more about these services and how to access them here, or call us on 1300 364 277 Monday-Friday between 8am-8pm and Saturday between 10am-4pm.

We discuss the types of domestic and family violence, how to create a safety plan, and where to find help here.

 

Support contacts

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

What is Toxic Positivity?

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Can positivity be a bad thing?

The phrase “toxic positivity” refers to the idea that having a positive attitude and “good vibes only” is the best way to live. It tells us that negative emotions are bad, and expressing feelings such as sadness, anger and disappointment makes us weak or not fun to be around.

But no one feels happy all the time, and ups and downs are a normal part of life. Suppressing negative emotions can cause more psychological harm, and can even lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

We hope these tips help you avoid toxic positivity and be more compassionate to yourself and others.

 

What to avoid

Here are some examples of toxic positivity that can alienate people who might be having a hard time, and make you seem unrelatable and unapproachable.

Dismissing someone’s feelings

Say your friend tells you they’ve had a bad day at work, they’re having relationship problems, or they’re simply in a bad headspace at the moment. This is not your cue to be a cheerleader and try to make them feel better with phrases like: “Look on the bright side”, “It could be worse”, or “There’s nothing to be worried about”.

These responses tell your friend their feelings aren’t acceptable or justified. This doesn’t help them feel better – in fact, it can make them feel even worse. It can also prevent them from coming to you when they have issues in the future.

Shaming someone for bringing down the mood

Similarly, you shouldn’t make someone feel like they’re not fun to be around or don’t deserve your time unless they’re in a good mood and a positive headspace.

Judging someone for expressing their negative feelings by calling them a “Debbie Downer” or telling them not to “kill your vibe” can make that person feel shame around their (very normal) negative emotions. They should feel welcome and supported no matter their mood.

Avoiding your own negative feelings

Do you act happy and positive even when you’re not feeling that way on the inside? Maybe you want to maintain the image of a fun and cheerful person, or maybe you’re worried your negative emotions will annoy or inconvenience the people around you.

Avoiding or minimising your negative emotions can breed shame and self-esteem issues, as well as mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

 

What to do instead

Here are some ways to overcome toxic positivity and deal with unpleasant emotions in a healthier way.

Validate others’ feelings

We all have the right to feel how we feel. It can help to hear that it’s OK and normal to feel these things instead of being told to get over it or to be optimistic. A little empathy and understanding goes a long way.

Try:

  • “That must be really difficult for you.”
  • “It sounds like you’re having a really hard time.”
  • “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that right now.”
  • “You’re really strong for getting through that.”
  • “How we can make things better?”

Tune into your own feelings

Our emotions are important. They tell us information about ourselves and help us be mindful in the present moment. Negative emotions are completely normal, and it’s healthy to acknowledge and process them in order to heal and grow.

Check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling and why. It might be a cue that you need to make some changes in your life. Or maybe you just need to take a day to rest and recuperate. Have some self-compassion and don’t judge yourself for feeling the way you do or try to mask it with fake positivity.

Remember most of what you see online is a highlight reel

People often only post positive stuff on social media. Scrolling through endless images of big smiles, good times, and inspirational quotes can make us feel bad about ourselves if we’re not in the same headspace. But the fact is everyone has bad days and gets down in the dumps – we just don’t share those times online!

If social media makes you feel pressured to be optimistic and gratefull all the time, it might be worth taking a break or unfollowing certain accounts.

We talk about how social media can cause anxiety in this blog post.

 

If you’re having a hard time coping with unpleasant emotions, counselling can be a great way to explore how you’re feeling and come up with solutions. You can call 1300 364 277 to book a counselling appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video chat.

Tips for Parenting Teens

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Watching your child grow into a teenager can be a proud and exciting journey – but it can also bring some new challenges.

Adolescence can be a tough time for the whole family, with intense emotional and physical changes often causing teens to be moody and withdraw from their parents.

Parents play a huge part in helping teenagers grow into well-adjusted adults. Your relationship with your child during this period can directly impact their behaviour, happiness, and their future relationships.

We hope these tips for parenting teenagers help you develop a positive relationship and give them the building blocks for a healthy adulthood.

 

Get to know their friends

Teenagers are strongly influenced by the behaviour of their peers. Their social groups can shape their decisions on everything from what they wear to how hard they try in school. Many teens seek acceptance from their peers and may do things they don’t want to in order to achieve it.

Research shows teens are more likely to engage in risky behaviours like smoking if their friends engage in those behaviours. Meanwhile, having high-achieving friends can influence teenagers’ own academic achievement and enjoyment of school.

It’s important to know who your child is spending their time with and keep an eye out if they’re getting into the ‘wrong crowd’. Make an effort to get to know your child’s friends, and be sure to meet their parents before agreeing to sleepovers.

 

Support their involvement in activities

Adolescence is a time of self-discovery and experimentation. Encourage your teen to try new things and learn new skills by joining a sport or activity.

Extracurricular activities can give them skills for later in life, like teamwork, leadership and discipline. They can also help build their confidence and provide an opportunity to meet likeminded people outside of school.

 

Maintain open communication

Are your questions met with a one-word answer or a grunt? Wondering what happened to your little chatterbox?

It’s normal for teens to withdraw from their parents and want to spend more time alone. But whether they’d like to admit it or not, your teenager needs you. Respect their privacy and new boundaries, but let them know you’re there for them.

When they do open up, listen with empathy and validate their feelings. Offer advice when warranted, but skip the preachy lectures. Remember that their hormones might be amplifying every negative situation and emotion for them right now, so allow their feelings to happen and don’t minimise them. They may start keeping things from you if they feel judged or like they can’t trust you.

 

Encourage independence

It’s healthy for teenagers to pull away from their parents and start to do things for themselves a little more. This is crucial for their development into an independent adult. You should encourage your teen to be more self-sufficient and not expect to be treated like a child (where appropriate).

This might include:

  • Taking responsibility for their own actions
  • Contributing to the housework
  • Learning basic tasks like cooking and laundry
  • Shopping for their own clothing
  • Paying their own phone bill.

Remember to let your teenager know they can still come to you if they need help or advice. Their independence should still be supervised until they’re adults.

 

Monitor their mental health

Studies show 1 in 7 young people aged 4 to 17 years experience a mental health condition in any given year. Almost 1 in 5 of all young people aged 11 to 17 years experience high or very high levels of psychological distress.

Some signs your teen might be struggling include:

  • Feeling sad, moody and irritable
  • Having trouble concentrating and staying focused
  • Changes in sleep (e.g. sleeping more or less)
  • Changes in appetite or weight (e.g. eating more or less)
  • Unexplained physical complaints like headaches or stomach aches
  • Withdrawing and spending a lot of time in their room alone
  • Not being interested in the activities they normally enjoy
  • Not wanting to go to school or socialise.

Be sure to pay extra attention to your teen’s behaviour and moods during this time, and check in regularly to see how they’re going.

If you worry your teen might be having a tough time, counselling could be a good option. Seeing a counsellor can help your teen talk about their problems in a safe and supportive environment and find ways to cope. RAQ offers counselling for individuals as well as family counselling – perfect if you need some help communicating or resolving conflict with your teenager.

You can call 1300 364 277 to learn more about our services and book a counselling appointment in person, over the phone or via Zoom video chat.