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Love it or hate it, Fifty Shades of Grey is certainly a hot topic at the moment. A story of two people many would say are mismatched—brought together by lust and sexual attraction. One unworldly and innocent, the other carrying hurts from the past, motivating a need to feel powerful and in control. Do we always fall in love with the right person or make wise logical choices when we are infatuated or attracted to someone? Love can sometimes take us by surprise and we can desire someone for many different reasons. The drive we feel to connect with another person is essentially ‘something’ inside us being attracted to something in the other person, and this may not always be a healthy relationship decision for us.

When asked what we would want our relationship to look like—we would all answer happy, respectful, loving—but the relationships we end up with don’t always represent what we were looking or hoping for.

To help us make the right choices for our future relationships we need to ask ourselves—what does a healthy relationship look like? It can be described as an equal partnership between two people. Understanding, respect, trust, love and commitment to each other form the foundations for healthy relationships. John Gottman’s research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other’s hopes for the future.

To achieve a healthy relationship we must also reflect on our own input into our relationship. Are we committed to the other person? Are we prepared to own our faults and forgive our partner theirs? Do we know how to ‘repair’ after arguments? In a healthy relationship we can learn from conflicts, and by resolving these conflicts we learn ways which work for each partner. Partners need to be able to listen attentively to each other’s points of view and not get stuck in defensive behaviour or the need to be right and having to ‘win’.

A healthy relationship evolves as relationships go through transitions and changes. Examples of these situations may be a new baby, a financial change, moving home, death of a parent, child leaving home, retirement etc. Through all these transition periods each partner is learning and growing through the relationship. Perhaps surprisingly, this growth is often achieved through the conflicts that are so often part of the challenges being faced. Changes and conflict can provide fertile ground for learning when each partner’s intent is to learn, rather than to control or avoid being controlled. Partners need to learn how to navigate these changes in healthy and respectful ways.

Relationships often start with sexual attraction and desire, and this can be exciting and enjoyable—but for a relationship to continue to grow a develop healthily it takes two people to be committed to adapting, changing and developing as a person and a partner. Counselling can help with this and is available as a couple or as an individual. Whether seeing a counsellor together or alone, if you are willing to be self-reflective and grow, you can only enhance your relationship.

Val Holden is a Family and Relationship Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland

UPDATE: Due to storm damage our Rockhampton venue will remain closed until at least the end of this week. We will provide further information about when it will reopen as it comes to hand. We apologise for any inconvenience. 

All other venues are operating as usual. 

If you have any questions please contact our Client Contact Centre on 1300 364 277.

The staff of Relationships Australia extend their sympathy to all those affected by the storm and hope for a swift recovery.

Family Relationship Stress at Christmas

It may come as no surprise – the latest Relationships Australia survey has found that close to 40% of men and 30% of women experience stress related to spending time with extended family, including in-laws at Christmas.

Around 850 people have responded to the online survey, which is currently available on the Relationships Australia website. The survey will close at the end of December.

“In managing Christmas stress it’s probably best to consider our own expectations of the big day. Our family and our life may not be exactly what we dream about, but we can manage our expectations, plan to look for the positives and focus on enjoying the season with goodwill,” said Alison Brook, National Executive Officer for Relationships Australia.

The mid-month survey results also showed that close to one third of male and female survey respondents indicated that work-life balance factors ‘extremely’ negatively affected their family relationships at Christmas or affected these relationships ‘quite a bit’.  One-third of people reported that financial worries affected their family relationships ‘extremely’ or ‘quite a bit’ at Christmas.

When asked about the effects of increased consumption of food, drugs, alcohol or gambling on their family relationships at Christmas, 16 per cent of men and women reported that these relationships were affected ‘quite a bit’ or ‘extremely’.  Similarly, around one-sixth of women (17%) reported their family relationships were affected ‘quite a bit’ or ‘extremely’ by different expectations, beliefs or values around Christmas.  In contrast, almost one-third of men (28%) reported significant effects on their family relationships due to this factor.

Around one-fifth of men and women responding to the monthly online survey reported their family relationships were affected ‘quite a bit’ or extremely’ by issues relating to children from a previous relationships at Christmas.  Given that this question has lower relevance to survey respondents than other questions, this result indicates a high rate of family relationship stress at Christmas for blended and/or separated families.

The top tips to survive and thrive this Christmas season include:

–    Have realistic expectations of yourself and others – try not to expect people to be what they are not

–    Work together as a team, rather than aim to be the ‘Masterchef’ yourself

–    Find time to ‘chill out’ – get some rest, drink lots of water and take time out every day of the holiday season

–    Practice forgiveness – it will make you feel better

–    Limit your intake of alcohol – behaviour can get out of hand

–    For separated families think of Christmas as a season, not just one day – enable children and adults to spread family visits over a few days

–    If you are alone, plan in advance to do something you enjoy or get together with a friend who is also alone

–    Agree to disagree on issues with friends and family

–    Say thanks to people that help out and focus on the things you are grateful for this year.

The Relationships Australia monthly survey provides a snapshot of how Australians are feeling about issues related to families, community connection, relationships and mental health. The survey is self-initiated and accessed via the Relationships Australia website. The December survey is focused on family stress at Christmas time.

Survey details:

Close to 850 people responded to the Relationships Australia’s online survey from December 1 to December 18.  Almost 80 per cent of survey respondents identified as female, with women outnumbering men in every age group. Almost 90 per cent of survey respondents were aged between 20-59 years. The peak response category related to women aged from 30 to 39 years.

About Relationships Australia:

Relationships Australia provides counselling for individuals couples and families; parenting and relationship education; support for families going through separation; specialist services for young people leaving out of home care, refugee families and Aboriginal communities; workplace counselling and training; employee assistance programs for companies; and training for family support professionals. Relationships Australia is part of a national network of over 150 centres.

 

To find out more about Relationships Australia services call 1300 364 277.

If you are in crisis phone Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Welcome to our regular Family Friday Fun post. This is a great place to start if you’re looking for something fun to do with your kids? Every Friday we’ll bring you activities, suggestions and inspiration to encourage a bit of Family Friday Fun.  #FamilyFridayFun #FFF

Make Your Own Play Dough

Play dough is a fun way to encourage creativity in young children. It’s easy and cheap to make at home and when the fun is finished it can be stored in an airtight container for another day. Play dough can also be educational as children explore imagination, shapes, colours and use their fine motor skills.

There are many make-at-home play dough recipes, below are two of our favourites including a no cook version. Best of all these make-at-home recipes are non-toxic so suitable for children. This activity is most suited for children over three years of age.    

No Cook Play Dough Recipe

• 3/4 cup salt
• 2 – 3 cups flour
• 1 tbsp vegetable oil
• 1 tsp food colouring
• 2 tbsp cream of tartar
• 1 cup water

Mix all the dry ingredients and then add oil. Add food colouring to water. Slowly add water to dry ingredients until desired consistency is reached. Kneading improves texture.

Basic Play Dough Recipe

• 1 cup flour
• 1 cup water
• 1/2 cup cooking salt
• 1 tbsp of cooking oil
• 1 tbsp of cream of tartar
• food colouring

Mix the flour, water, salt and cream of tartar in a saucepan over medium heat until thick. Allow the mixture to cool and then add the oil and knead well over a floured board or bench. Divide play dough evenly into as many colours as you’d like to make. Add food colouring to each ball until it is the desired colour.

Now you have the play dough why not try the following:

• If you made a variety of colours, try mixing together small amounts of different colours to make new colours.  
• Make leaf imprints by rolling or patting dough flat and then pressing the leaves into dough. Children can usually do this activity themselves once shown how.
• Encourage learning about shapes with play dough. Try drawing simple shapes on baking paper. Children can roll dough into ropes and use the ropes to outline the shapes. One step further is to have the child close their eyes and feel the shapes to identify them.

But most of all let their imaginations run wild and enjoy your Family Fun Friday. 

Who hasn’t encountered the typical end of the day scenario, when everyone in the family seems to be at the end of their tether, because of a rough and stressful day? We often take out our personal stresses on our partner or family, not realising there are very useful strategies which could reduce stress within our communication.

Spending time together at the end of the day, to talk about how the day went for each of you, can help manage the stress in life which is not related to the relationship.

To ensure this conversation has a calming-down effect, here are some guidelines

• Talk about whatever is on your mind outside your relationship.
• Take turns to be the talker (or complainer!) for 10 minutes each.
• Show genuine interest in what your partner is saying.  Ask questions. Use good eye contact and minimal encouragers such as “Uh-huh” and nodding.
• Take your partner’s side, even if you think their perspective is unreasonable. This is the time for emotional support, not analysis. (That may come later if desired.)
• Express a “we against others” attitude.
• Don’t give unwanted advice.  Avoid saying, “That’s not such a big issue. Why don’t you just…” (If you think advice is appropriate, check this. Ask whether they want you just to listen or to brainstorm solutions.)
• Express affection in ways your partner appreciates, by touch or words.

Validate your partner’s emotions, to show they make sense to you. “That’s so sad… That would worry me too… I can see you’re really upset.”

Allowing your partner to vent will reduce their stress and speed up their process of returning to more rational thoughts and positive feelings. If you avoid responses like the first, third, and fifth, your partner will probably start problem-solving about the issues more quickly than they would if you tried to point out all their errors!

This calming conversation can strengthen your relationship and make it harder to knock off course in the future.

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— Denise Reichenbach is an Educator and Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland, and runs regular courses.– 

Denise’s upcoming courses at our Spring Hill venue are:

STEPFAMILY REALITIES: Tuesdays, 7 Oct-11 Nov

RELATIONSHIP MATTERS: Wednesdays, 15 Oct-19 Nov 

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Mondays, 13 Oct-17 Nov 

Most of us have been in the midst of very strong, overwhelming feelings, which seem to shake us, which make us feel like we are on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes these experiences can be so intense, we long for a break from these feelings, trying to catch a glimpse of more rational thoughts.

There are numerous techniques which can help us to process strong feelings, which result in ultimately letting them go. It’s useful to become aware of the more vulnerable feelings you experience below anger or frustration. Try these steps to process your vulnerable feelings.

1. Recognise the feeling
When a strong feeling comes up, find time (then or later) to sit in a calm place and breathe slowly. Close your eyes and let yourself really feel the emotion. This may be quite painful to do. Notice what part of your body feels the emotion. For example, your shoulders may be stiff or your face muscles tight. Is there a colour or image you can attach to the feeling? It may seem sharp and red, or dull and dark like a big boulder. Give the name a feeling, for example – sadness.

2. Express the feeling in words
Say aloud to yourself (or to another, trusted person), “I’m feeling …” You might say, “I’m feeling sad about the divorce.” Or it might be “I’m scared about what will happen with the children,” or “I feel powerless to stop the conflict with my ex.”

3. Clarify the feeling
Still sitting calmly, wait to see what else comes up for you as you reflect on this feeling. What are some more parts of this feeling? As well as sadness, you might feel some guilt for having left a relationship, or for being the one left behind: “It’s crazy, but I feel guilty because he/she left me. That’s very confusing.”

4. Find links with past experiences or feelings
Ask yourself, “When did I first have a feeling like this?” Your anger might be protecting you from a deeper, vulnerable emotion such as rejection or abandonment. You might trace this back to the past. “I felt the same way when my own parents fought.” Let yourself feel the whole of this experience. Don’t analyse, just get a sense of it all. Is there a name for ‘all of that’?

5. Accept the feeling
Feelings are not good or bad; they just are. Remember that feelings are not facts. And they are not the same things as actions. You can let yourself feel whatever you do feel, then you can still decide what you choose to DO. You might ask yourself, “What would it feel like if it was all okay?  What’s in the way of that? What’s in the way of feeling good, for me?”

**************************************

— Denise Reichenbach is an Educator and Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland, and runs regular courses.–  

Denise’s upcoming courses at our Spring Hill venue are:

STEPFAMILY REALITIES: Tuesdays, 7 Oct-11 Nov 

RELATIONSHIP MATTERS: Wednesdays, 15 Oct-19 Nov

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Mondays, 13 Oct-17 Nov 

Every relationship goes through certain stages and cycles, each one different to the next. To be aware of these stages in our relationships can be very rewarding and it also demystifies the idea that our relationship has to be a 100% at all times.

We all go through these times and with the right knowledge, we can master the up’s and down’s a lot better…so in this column let us have a look at the many different faces of our relationships.

Visionary Phase – We are one!
At first, we picture a satisfying future for the relationship.  We feel “in love,” bonded by our similarities – which we emphasise.  Our differences (in values, age, interests) we ignore or find fascinating.  We see what we want to see in each other, and we like what the other person seems to want for the relationship.  We place few demands on each other during this honeymoon phase.

We change our lives to include our partner, delighted that we make a difference to them and share something special.  Expectations and optimism are high.  As we establish our couple bond, we often deny aspects of our relationship that interfere with the vision we have.

Differences Phase – I’m not the same as you!
Differences emerge, and we struggle with disappointment, guilt, or disillusionment about ourselves or each other.  Similarities do not provide enough new energy, and our differences annoy or infuriate us.  The shock of conflict can frighten us and make us question.

Many relationships end with the first fight.  Others remain in this phase for long periods, in bitterness and pain.  We might lose empathy for each other, and try hard to change the other person, to “improve” them so they fit our vision of them, or to make them more like us. 

To learn from this phase, we need to acknowledge, accept, and express our differences, and establish a successful “fight style.”

Dormant Phase – I want to be “me” not “us”!
Here, we live more peacefully with each other, even if this covers discontent.  We might perceive it as a sacrifice when we give to our partner, so we feel defensive and stubborn.  Our relationship offers us a fairly lifeless connection, although our lives may be very busy, building a career, setting up home together, or raising children. 

If we began the relationship with the purpose of having great fun and sex, we may think our partner has changed or let us down, when it’s our purpose that has changed.

To move on from this phase, we need to consider what the purpose of our relationship is now.  This phase can be a necessary preparation for renewed energy, challenge or growth.

Vital Phase – You, Me, and We!
This phase often grows out of some form of challenge to the relationship as it has been.  We are faced with a question about the relationship’s value to us and its resilience.  A time of high stress may be caused by job loss, a health scare, a spiritual crisis, or falling in love outside the relationship.  This may wake us out of the dormant phase to make active choices.

At this point, we commit our time and energy again, with eyes wide open.  We have well-defined separate identities, we grow as individuals, but we’re willing to be influenced by the other.  We dance between periods of intimacy and independence.  We both take responsibility to make the relationship work and to be mutually supportive. 

We see that our differences make us complementary, we give up trying to force change, and we learn how to express our needs honestly, and still appreciate each other.  We acknowledge our interdependence and realize we are better together than each of us is alone.  We experience a paradox – committed togetherness actually nourishes our separate identities.

Recently, I have found myself thinking a lot about the best, and the worst, custody arrangements for very young children. When I say very young children, I am thinking about infants (aged newborn to roughly 18 months) as well as toddlers (aged 18 months to about 3 years).

Below, I will offer some of my own thoughts about this very important, and it seems, increasingly controversial topic. But at the outset, I want to invite readers to share their experiences about what is working for you, and what isn’t; about what custody arrangements you have chosen for your own very young children, and about what schedules were imposed on you by a court, an ex, whoever.

I am looking for your input, because I have been hearing more and more from parents who are very unhappy about parenting plans for their very young children. Mostly, I have been getting emails or telephone calls from parents, usually mothers, who are scared to death that their very young child has been divided – and is being damaged both now and in the long term. I also have heard from other parents, mainly fathers, who are afraid they are being shut out of their very young children’s lives – now and for the long run.

There are a lot of complicated psychological, practical, and legal issues involved in custody arrangements for very young children. I will not delve very deeply into the details in this post, or I will end up going on for too long. Look for future posts with more specifics.

Psychologically, the quality of attachment relationships is the main concern about the well-being of very young children. Children form a close bond with those who care for them, usually their parents, in the first year of life (and beyond). The development of attachments is a biologically driven process, one that is observed in other primates, other mammals, and precocial birds. (Think of ducklings swimming in line behind their mother on a pond in springtime.)

Very young children can and do form multiple attachments, including to mothers, fathers, grandparents, nannies, and so on. Still, children have a primary attachment figure, the person they prefer to offer them comfort in times of anxiety or pain. (A daycare worker can comfort a distraught toddler when no parent is available, but given a choice, an 18 month old will run to Mommy – or Daddy.)

Now we are getting to the nub of one controversy. A great deal of psychological research shows that the quality of the primary attachment – particularly whether it is secure or insecure – in very young children predicts the development of various psychological and social problems in the future. (Importantly, attachment is a central concern not only for custody but for other issues like day care, families where both parents are employed for long hours, hospitalized premature infants, incarcerated parents, and a variety of other issues involving parents’ relationships with their very young children.)

So in disputed custody cases, parents, lawyers, and various experts can and do end up debating whether a very young child’s primary attachment (usually to the mother) is all-important and pretty fragile – or whether their secondary attachment (usually to the father) is just as important and perhaps is being undermined, maybe deliberately, by a doting or vindictive primary attachment figure. Specific questions and debates range from whether babies, or toddlers, should have overnights with their secondary attachment figures to whether parents should share joint physical custody of infants, alternating back and forth every day if necessary.

I won’t go into the details now, but I clearly come down on the side of the importance of the primary attachment figure to children’s emotional well-being. Why? I am convinced by the weight of the scientific evidence.

Yet, both for practical and scientific reasons, I believe that it is very important for children to form attachment relationships with their “other” parent too.

If parents can work together, there are ways to achieve both goals. The secondary attachment figure can have frequent but relatively brief contacts with their baby during the first year of life, but the contacts can increasingly become longer and less frequent as babies become toddlers, preschoolers, and so on. (I’ve written about these developmental ideas at length in The Truth about Children and Divorce, and will expand upon them here in another post.)

But a lot of separated parents of very young children do not get along very well. And many separated parents are not encouraged (repeatedly and forcefully) by professionals about the overriding importance of working together for their children’s sake, no matter how hurt or angry the parents might justifiably be. And the legal system encourages parents of very young children to fight, because they will give away their “rights” if they compromise now. (More on this later too.)

As a result of all of this, legal, scientific, and, most importantly, family controversies erupt. This is a huge, and I think, growing problem. And I haven’t even touched on other issues, for example, the practical problems involved in shifting babies between households, or “expert opinion” that may be anything but.

What I am looking for are readers’ opinions and especially your experiences. (I know the motivation is greater to write about bad experiences; please share good ones too.) Family change and an interventionist legal system have put us into uncharted waters. I am looking for some help in mapping them.

**********************

Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. is a Professor of Psychology and well regarded international practice-based researcher. His research about the often overlooked, intense emotional cost of separation and divorce for children and parents is extensively cited around the world.

In July, we are honoured to be hosting Dr Emery on a tour of Queensland, to give a series of lectures, including the 15/16 July 2014 in Brisbane, entitled “The Truth About Children and Divorce.” Not afraid of controversy, Dr Emery will invite you to discuss his research on topics including infant overnights, randomised trials of mediated and litigated child custody disputes, and coparenting conflict and attachment.

Dr Emery’s explanation of high emotion, especially anger, has helped many family mediators deal with emotion in the room and also to understand how the length of separation affects and predicts behavior. The connection between how adults handle their emotions at separations and the effects on their children is the key Dr Emery can use to unlock many puzzles for mediators, family lawyers and other workers in the separation field.

Blog post originally published on August 23, 2011 by Robert E. Emery, Ph.D.

Would your relationship benefit from $200 worth of relationship counselling or education? Could you do with some assistance around communication, intimacy or managing differences?   

On July 1, the Federal Government will begin trialling the Stronger Relationships program. The program aims to provide 100,000 couples with access to a $200 subsidy for counselling or education services.

The subsidy can be used by couples to seek help with preparation for committed relationships, intimacy, marriage and relationship milestones such as becoming parents, economic changes and step-parenting.

The subsidy will be available to couples who are married, intending to marry or who are in committed relationships, and includes de-facto and same-sex couples. 

Evidence tells us that people in healthy relationships and their children are likely to live longer, report fewer health problems and use health and wellbeing services substantially less than people in distressed relationships. So it makes social and economic sense to invest in strengthening relationships.  

For more than 60 years, Relationships Australia Queensland has been providing couples with counselling and education. We are experienced relationship educators and welcome the Government’s commitment to early intervention for couples.

Relationships Australia Queensland will be offering a relationship education program that is covered by the subsidy and is flexible to our client’s needs. The education program is evidence based and was developed by a team of psychologists led by Professor Kim Halford, an internationally renowned couples expert and clinical psychologist.    

CEO of Relationships Australia Queensland, Shane Klintworth, said,

“Couples and families benefit when they have the skills to manage difficult times in their relationships. The Federal Government’s vouchers will provide couples with access to education that will build those skills and ultimately enhance relationships.” 

If you would like to register your interest in the $200 counselling and education subsidy program please fill out this form. We will forward more information once full details are announced by the Federal Government.  

For more information visit Department of Social Services website.

Divorce hurts. Divorce can hurt in many ways – children, families, society. But in writing those two words, divorce hurts, I am not thinking about broad concerns. I am thinking about the pain of rejection, of longing, and of loneliness. I am thinking about the deep emotional hurt of divorce, emotional pain that often feels like physical pain. You feel like you have been stabbed in the chest, or maybe in the back. You feel horrible emptiness in your stomach or intense pressure on your chest or just like you’re going to explode.

Here’s an interesting and important observation about emotional pain and why it feels physical. As psychologists Geoff MacDonald and Mark Leary detailed in a Psychological Bulletin article a couple of years ago, the same brain regions involved in experiencing physical pain apparently are involved in experiencing emotional pain. So, expressions like “hurt feelings” are more than an analogy. Emotional pain hurts. Literally

Rejection hurts.

The pain of lost love is deep, and it aches all the more because of the many complications involved in divorce, especially divorce with children. And the searing pain causes other problems. A big one is anger.

We are “hard-wired” by evolution to respond to pain with anger. You can readily observe this in animal behaviour – and in your behaviour. Be careful around an injured dog. It might bite. Why? The dog is in pain and is prepared to hurt back, to defend itself, even if you are trying to help. When an animal is attacked and injured, it is adaptive to fight back, even blindly. Fighting back is adaptive for immediate survival – and for survival of the species.

Or think about your own behaviour. How do you react when you stub your toe? You probably get mad. And if you’re furious enough, you might even kick the offending piece of furniture again, this time on purpose. Now there’s a reaction psychologists cannot explain as learned behaviour. We’re talking hard-wired emotion and emotional responses.

Rejection hurts. Pain makes us angry. In our primal rage, we want to hurt back.

And there is one more complication. Anger makes us hurt less.

Think about it. This makes complete sense from an evolutionary perspective. Pain impedes self-defense. Anger shuts out pain, physiologically and behaviourally. Think about wounded soldiers who fight on and on, only realizing that they have been shot after the battle is over. In laboratory experiments, animals will tolerate more pain (electric shock) if they are given the opportunity to attack another animal. Anger shuts out pain, including emotional pain. So part of the reason people stay angry at an ex is to sooth their own pain. Being angry is easier than being hurt.

Rejection hurts. Pain makes us angry. In our primal rage, we want to hurt back. Our rage makes us hurt less.

And this is a recipe for disaster if you are divorced with children. Children can be, and often are, wounded in their parents’ emotional crossfire, by the anger and primitive desire to hurt back, feelings and actions that stem from parents’ own, deep emotional pain. If you cannot understand children’s predicament intuitively, if you cannot put yourself in their shoes, I ask you to trust me on this one for the time being. In another blog, I will give you lots of examples and refer to long traditions of research on the problems of children caught in the middle.

If the pain-anger-hurt back circuit is “hard-wired,” we cannot help ourselves, right? Wrong. At least some degree of emotional control is possible. We can use the big part of our brain, our cortex, to help us regulate our “little brain,” those subcortical, emotional structures and circuits that we share with other animals. We cannot control our feelings. We cannot make the pain of divorce disappear, as much as we might like to. But we can use our whole brain, not just the primitive part of it, to understand our feelings and control our actions. Pain may set off a primitive impulse to hurt back, but we do not need to act on it.

If you do not have children, you can indulge your anger in divorce, or in any emotional break-up for that matter. You can scream, “I never want to see you again,” and believe you mean it. If you do not have children, you don’t need to think more deeply than that.

But if you have children, you need to put them ahead of your emotions. How? Embrace your pain. Look inside, past your anger, and let yourself feel the pain. Look for something to heal the hurt that’s more adaptive than anger. Talk about your pain, write about it, consult a therapist. Doing this is emotionally unnatural. I get that. But even though it hurts more, feeling the pain behind the anger also is emotionally more honest.

***********************

Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. is a Professor of Psychology and well regarded international practice-based researcher. His research about the often overlooked, intense emotional cost of separation and divorce for children and parents is extensively cited around the world.

In July, we are honoured to be hosting Dr Emery on a tour of Queensland, to give a series of lectures, including the 15/16 July 2014 in Brisbane, entitled “The Truth About Children and Divorce.” Not afraid of controversy, Dr Emery will invite you to discuss his research on topics including infant overnights, randomised trials of mediated and litigated child custody disputes, and coparenting conflict and attachment.

Dr Emery’s explanation of high emotion, especially anger, has helped many family mediators deal with emotion in the room and also to understand how the length of separation affects and predicts behavior. The connection between how adults handle their emotions at separations and the effects on their children is the key Dr Emery can use to unlock many puzzles for mediators, family lawyers and other workers in the separation field.

Blog post originally published on February 23, 2009 by Robert E. Emery, Ph.D.