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One of the things I enjoy most about my job is trying to understand human behaviour. We humans are so fascinating. Even though we are all of the same species (homosapians), we all act differently. These differences in behaviour has much to do with how our mind interprets events. The mind is the strongest yet often the most overlooked organ, which influences and alters our behaviour.

However, not all of the thoughts we have, leads to helpful outcomes. Sometimes we can develop unhealthy or unhelpful thinking patterns and this can lead to all sorts of difficulties, such as depression, anxiety, stress, anger issues etc. What can happen over time is, we can become stuck in this style of thinking and even though we do not like the consequences, the thoughts happen automatically. It is a bit like when we first start learning how to drive a manual car. Initially, we have to think a lot about the clutch, gears, etc, but over time we become so use to driving we may not even notice when we change gears, our thoughts become automatic.

Even though our thoughts may become automatic, one of the advantages of being human is that we can learn and re-learn. Though we may think in a particular way, it does not mean we need to continue. If I use the example of the car again, when we hop into a manual car that we have not driven before, we become more aware of how we are using the gears, clutch etc.

One way, which counsellors may help you, is by breaking down how you think about events and becoming more aware of how you interpret events. Furthermore, you can learn how to challenge some of your unhelpful thoughts, which can lead to alternative outcomes rather than adversity.

At Relationships Australia, we can assist you in ways to catch and challenge unhelpful thinking and if you are in a drought declared area and affected by the drought, a fisherperson affected by the change in fishery laws or a sugar worker affected by changes to the industry our counselling services are free. Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

Well, I’ve had three days of transition and re-entry into ‘normal life’ and time to reflect on the amazing odyssey that was Project Yellow. The final day was a wonderful experience, with RAQ CEO, Shane Klintworth coming out and running a final 45km marathon with Alida and me (it actually turned out to be about 47km! – sorry Shane!!).

Heaps of enthusiastic Roma locals ventured out to Roma State College on Saturday morning to watch us run in and to join us in the final two kilometres, taking part in all the fun events laid on too. Congratulations to the two girls who put so much effort into their yellow outfits and came away with an ipod Touch, as winners of the ‘best-dresssed’ comp’. The artwork comp’ revealed some amazing talent too, which was equally rewarded. Thanks, Roma, for coming out and helping us celebrate. And a big thank you to Narissa Jowett for all the terrific support.

The team from Relationships Australia were amazing, giving Alida and I just the boost we needed to bring home the last kilometres in style. Big thanks to Ayesha, Veronica, Peter, Dan, Tracey, Graham, Sophiaan and Hamish. and a particular thank you to Olivia for all the amazing work that made the day happen.

There can’t be too many CEO’s that would travel across the state during a busy period, to run a marathon in support of a project and I’m inspired and enormously grateful to Shane for his commitment.

Our media and marketing person, Rebecca, was the one who made sure that the communities between Ipswich and Roma knew about what we were doing. We had some great coverage and couldn’t have done what we did without Bec’s amazing commitment to this project.

Of course, the reason you are able to read all my blog entries and follow our progress is thanks to the terrific website, built by Tsvetana. Thanks Tsvetana, for your creativity, commitment and…patience!

Our sponsors, Endura, Eatsmart, BSEMS and Runningman have been an integral part of the project’s success. Their expert knowledge and guidance helped keep me on the road. They all do amazing work and their details are on the website, for more information.

Finally, thank you to all the enthusiastic students and educators who saw the value in what we were doing and made the effort to contribute and participate with such positive energy.

After a short rest it will be time to begin reflecting on this first Project Yellow adventure and reading all the evaluations gathered, in order to begin exploring how we might take Project Yellow forward from here. Already there are several requests in from new schools and I look forward to exploring how we can support them to move towards being more socially inclusive and diverse school communities.

So, for now, it’s time to sign off. Don’t forget to check out all the new pics as I upload them over the next few days and there will be a video montage of the final day very soon too. As always, we welcome your comments and stories and look forward to connecting again soon.

Much love and optimism, Chris

People generally seem to have two conflicting needs in relationships:

• We want a sense of space and autonomy, of being allowed to do our own thing. Our independence is important to us.
• We also want to be close to someone else, to know that we are loved and accepted for who we are, despite our faults. We need to know that we matter deeply to someone else, and that we are valued by them. In other words, we long for intimacy.

Intimacy in relationships

Intimacy is also about being able to accept and share in your partner’s feelings, about being there when they want to let their defences down. Intimacy often doesn’t need words, but being able to put feelings and experiences into words makes intimacy more likely to occur. Intimacy involves being able to share the range of feelings and experiences we have as human beings – pain and sadness, as well as happiness and love.

Intimacy is important in relationships, but is not always easily achieved.

Intimacy and sex

For most couples, one of the times when they are most aware of being intimate is when they are making love. This is not surprising – sexual activity involves trust and taking the risk of being vulnerable with each other. It is a time when, both physically and emotionally, partners let themselves get close to each other.

Sex cannot, however, carry all the burden of intimacy in the relationship. Being able to share feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, pride – the full range of emotional experiences – is also necessary. Without this, some couples find that after a while they begin to feel lonely and unappreciated however good their love-making might be physically. It is sometimes necessary for a couple to learn how to be close and express affection for each other without this leading straight on to lovemaking.

This can be particularly difficult for some men, who may have been brought up to believe that showing their feelings is somehow a betrayal of their masculinity. The more a couple is intimate with each other in ways other than sex, the more rewarding their sex life often becomes. Sex and intimacy are not the same, but they are closely related and easily influence each other.

Intimacy and separateness

Real intimacy is when two independent people choose to come together. The words of Kahlil Gibran from the poem “The Prophet” are often quoted about the balance of intimacy and separateness in relationships.

 

‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness … Love one another, but make not a bond of love … Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone … And stand together, yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.’

The word bereavement means, ‘to be robbed of something valued’.  Often bereavement is described as the emotional reactions felt following the death of a loved one, although most often applied when the loss involves a death it can be applied to many other situations such as the loss of a relationship.

Grieving, like so many other parts of our lives, is a process that people go through in stages.  When we lose someone, we have to adjust to the loss. This process takes time and varies from individual to individual.  Furthermore, it is not uncommon for individuals to move back and forth between stages.

There are five recognizable stages in bereavement. They are:

Stage one – shock/denial.  The reality of the loss takes time to sink in.  Initial reactions vary from numbness, denial, disbelief and hysteria, to not being able to think straight.  This natural reaction helps cushions us against the loss and allows us to feel it more slowly and cope with it better.

Stage two – Protests/anger.  At this stage the person protests that the loss cannot be real.  Strong and powerful feelings occur, such as anger, guilt, sadness, fear, yearning and searching, while the person struggles between denying and accepting the reality of what has happened.    During this stage, anger can manifest itself in many ways; we can blame ourselves, others may easily be agitated and have emotional outbursts.  During this stage care must be taken to not turn the anger inwards. It is better to release the anger as this helps with the grieving process.

Stage three- bargaining.  During this stage, bargaining can be between ourselves. or depending on your beliefs, with your god.  Often, we will offer something to try and take the reality of what has happened away.  Sometimes we may try and make deals to have our loved ones back as they were before the event.  It is only human to want things as they were before. 

Stage four – disorganization.  This is the stage when the reality of the loss is only too real.  This is the low point of the grief process, characterized by bleakness, despair, depression, apathy, anxiety and confusion.  The person may feel that the feelings will go on forever.  Out of all the stages, this stage is generally the most difficult, as individuals may enter a depressive state.  Sometimes thoughts of self-harm may occur.  If these thoughts do occur, professional help is needed.

Stage five- Reorganisation.  The person begins to rebuild their life, acquiring more balance and able to remember happier times.  They are able to accept the loss and regain some energy and plan for the future.  The person returns to previous functioning, but often with changed values and new meaning to life.  They may still have thoughts of their loved one, but less intense and less frequent.  It may take some time to get here, but it will happen.

Some of the tasks involved in grieving.

Accepting the loss:the starting point of grief is intellectually and emotionally to accept the loss.  At first the person experiencing the loss cannot comprehend it and may cling to the belief that the person is still there.

Feel the pain:An array of emotions are allowed, recognisedand experienced. The pain of grief is very real, and as with any pain may be avoided. However, it is an essential part of the process and must be acknowledged and worked through.  Some avoid the pain by keeping busy, others say to themselves that they must be strong; however, in the longer term, it is helpful if painful feelings are expressed.

Talking about it:  talking about regrets, fears and anger is helpful.  If you are the listener, encourage the person to talk of the deceased, how they are feeling and what they are experiencing. Sometimes, just being present and listening is all the person grieving needs.

Take one day at a time:  grieving takes time; there are no limits and it is not a process that can be hurried.  Some people feel pressured to “get over it” or “move on”, but for some, grieving can take years. It takes as long as it takes.

Be your own best friend:look after yourself, eat well, and take time to retreat. Take care not to become completely isolated, as family and friends and other social supports are important in helping cope with grief.

Write a letter from the heart.  Write a letter saying everything you wished you had said to the person while they were alive .  Write about the good things and the bad things, the things your liked most and least. Also write about the things you could never talk about and how you will remember the deceased.  Say goodbye in your own time and in your own way.

References

Powell, T. (2000).  The mental health handbook; revised edition.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: UK.

Ireson Computing Ltd (2005).  Coping with the five stages of grieving retrieved 6 April2005, at http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/

In the movie series Back to the Future, Marty McFly struggles with being called chicken.  Initially, when Marty retaliated, things work out in his favour, but as the movie series progresses every time Marty is called chicken his reaction to the name-calling gets him into more and more trouble.  His assertive behaviour towards Biff changes and by the second movie in the series, he is outwardly aggressive to everyone who calls him chicken, including his boss.

Of course, the movie series was done in a manner to entertain viewers, but there is an element of truth behind the way in which we can react to others and outwardly display dissatisfaction.

There are payoffs to reacting with anger as with what Marty initially found. You are likely to secure the material needs and objects you desire.  You can get others to do your bidding.  You can grow to like the feeling of control in shaping your life and things can tend to go your way (for a while). 

However, there is a price for acting out aggressive behaviour.  As Marty found, aggressive behaviour created enemies, inducing fear and paranoia, making life more difficult for him.   Maintaining that feeling of control takes time and mental energy and this makes it difficult to relax.  If relationships are based on negative emotions, they are likely to be unstable.

So what can we do to reduce our anger?  

Do somedeep, slow breathing.  Funnily enough, when we are tense or angry, we tend to stop breathing or take very shallow breaths and this makes us more tense.  So take several deep breath and feel yourself start to relax.

Try to think of happy thoughts or see the funny side/irony to the situation.  You can get your mind to switch to another emotional state by thinking of something that made you laugh or smile (think of your partner, children or pet).

Change a negative into a positive.  You can switch the incident around to a positive by saying things like ‘at least I am OK and I am not like them’, or ‘at least I don’t drive like that’ or ‘I wouldn’t make that decision and annoy other drivers’.

Walk away for the situation.  Not every situation do we need to stand and fight.  If we fought every battle then we are going to tire ourselves.  Even though we may not get to say what we wanted to say, by walking away we also stop ourselves from saying the things we DID NOT want to say.

There are also things that we may do when we are angry which are unhelpful. Stopping some of these behaviours can reduce our anger.  One thing that is unhelpful is replaying the event in your mind which will keep you feeling angry and tense and can impair your judgment. 

Another unhelpful behaviour is storing up the anger.  Anger is not just an emotion; it also has a physical element.  When you get a chance, go for a walk or engage in some other healthy physical exertion (a swim, jog, or kicking a ball) in order to get a physical release of the emotional energy that you are storing when you are angry.  It will help you to feel calm again.

If all else fails, remember the Back to the Future series and how we can have short-term gains, but these can lead to long-term unhealthy behaviours.  Sometimes we may be successful, as Marty was, with improvising the little girl’s scooter and creating a skateboard in the first movie, other times our anger can lead us into trouble, as with Marty losing his job in the second movie. 

Reference

Back to the Future movie trilogy (1985 -1990). Universal Studios.

Barlow, R. & Williams E. (1998).  Anger Control Training.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: United Kingdom.

Powell, T. (2000).  The mental health handbook: Revised edition.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: United Kingdom.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

Okay so lets get the issue right out in the open.  Some men do not think that counselling is a ‘male thing to do’ that it shows weakness, and is girlie.  Some would say that counselling does not fit the Aussie/ rural bloke image, you know with all that ‘feelings’ stuff!

You may be surprised to know that more men than ever are using counselling services and it is not always because they are being dragged there by their wives! Men are using their initiative to book appointments to speak to trained professional about their issues and concerns.

You don’t have to be a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) or Metro-sexual (you know the guys who use facial products) to think about using counselling.  The every day bloke just like you and your mates can benefit from counselling.

What you talk about in counselling is up to you.  It might be that you have been feeling low and are not happy, you might be having problems with the wife, someone close to you might have passed away, thinking about changing jobs, or feeling stressed in general.  There are no judgements in counselling and it is confidential.

A counsellor can help you to develop strategies and ways to cope with your problems, make decisions about where you will go from the current situation, or to just be there as an ear for you to talk about what’s on your mind. 

Also very important – not all Counsellors are women – there are men too.  You can choose a Male or Female counsellor; all are qualified and experienced in their field.  While not all of our branches have Male counsellors available for face to face counselling, we can organise telephone counselling with one.

Relationships Australia Queensland offers a wide range of services. Have a look at our Website for our full list of services and branches http://www.raq.org.au

Call us to see how we can help you.  Phone 1300 364 277.

Having a baby is a life changing event. Whether the decision to start a family was planned or unexpected, the impact of rearing a child can rattle even the most stable individuals or relationships.

In some circumstances, couples choose to have a baby to celebrate their stability or to strengthen their relationship. There are thoughts that building their own family will bring them closer together, and that life after childbirth will be a time of tenderness, intimacy, and maturity. The reality is however, that for most couples, the impact of lifestyle adjustments, role changes, changes social networks, and the need for stability and responsibility around child rearing all impact on their relationship.

More couples today are seeking relationship counselling after having a baby than ever before. This does not necessarily mean that the stresses are greater now than in previous years, but rather that more couples are recognizing when they need help.

Mothers and fathers respond and adjust to their newborn baby differently. Misunderstandings, conflicts and expectations can affect the relationship as a result.

A Mothers’ Stress:

New mothers are generally overwhelmed by the experience of child birth and their changing role in life. Before the pregnancy, they were individuals whose lives revolved around their social networks and careers, now their needs are secondary to those of the newborn child. Career women can go from high pressure deadlines and challenging projects, to days filled with nappy changes, feedings, washing and numerous other household duties. Most of these jobs are time consuming and repetitious which may lead to frustration and other negative emotions.

Fathers can assist the situation by trying to understand the pressures and demands on his partner in rearing a newborn. Simple chores can take much longer to complete due to regular interruptions.

After the birth of the child, a new mother experiences a sudden change in hormone levels which can leave her feeling out of sorts. Many new mothers can also have concerns relating to their body image. Some bodies transform overnight to their pre-pregnancy state, while others may never return to that state. Breasts look and feel different, especially if breast feeding, hips are wider, and it may be much harder to loose those extra kilo’s from around the belly and thigh regions. Most new mothers need reassurance from their partners that they are still attractive.

A women’s libido generally is fairly low after birth, as muscles are stretched, and the stress and fatigue of caring for the newborn can reduce feelings of intimacy..    

A Fathers’ Stress:

Many fathers have difficulty making a connection with an unborn child. It is sometimes difficult for them to imagine the impact that the child will have on themselves and their relationship with their partner, until the infant is tangible and present.

Some new fathers sometimes feel left out, isolated, and may even see the new baby as a sort of competition for attention and affection. As a result, they may withdraw and may become depressed. Mothers can help by including the father in the care of the newborn baby. It is important for mothers to take advantage of his offers to spend one-on-one time with the baby. Fathers may do things differently, but with time and practice, they will find their own way of tackling situations. Taking care of the baby alone, is the best way for fathers to get to know their newborn child and establish a strong bond.

Postnatal Depression

Coping with the day-to-day demands of a new baby and adjusting to a major life change, can make some women more likely to experience depression or anxiety at this time, particularly if they’ve experienced depression and/or anxiety in the past. Around one in seven Australian mothers experiences postnatal depression. Anxiety is even more common and both anxiety and depression can occur during pregnancy.

Fathers can also suffer the symptoms and effects of PND. Feeling out of control, sadness, tearfulness, overwhelming sense of worthlessness, sleep disturbances, changes in eating habits, loss of sexual energy, withdrawal, and feeling that you may hurt yourself or your newborn child, are all signs and symptoms of Postnatal Depression. Should you or your partner be experiencing any of the above signs or symptoms, you should seek medical assistance immediately.

Getting back on track

It is important for couples to still spend quality time together. Communication and compassion for the other partner is vital for the relationship and their new family unit.

Here are a few helpful ways that you can improve your relationship with your partner after having a baby.

• Find time to connect with each other. Simple plans are often the best. Make time alone together a priority and you’ll find a way to make it happen.
• Talk to each other. Let the other person know the good and bad aspects of your day. They can’t care if they don’t know.
• Both parents have to care for themself, so that they are able to care for their baby in a better way. Take turns in taking a break from caring for your newborn baby as and when you need.
• Walking is the best exercise, If you can, 30 minutes everyday, can boost endorphin levels, which in turn relieves tension.
• Eating regularly and nutritiously. Consult a health professional for information on healthy eating, particularly if breastfeeding.

When you are busy with a new child, it can be difficult to find the time to get to either a doctor or a counsellor, but relationship stress, conflict, or postnatal depression should not be left untreated for a prolonged period of time. 

Relationships Australia has branches throughout Australia which assist couples to refocus on their relationship and what is important to them. You can make an appointment at your nearest Relationships Australia branch on 1300 364 277.  Or you can access ParentLine telephone counselling between 8am to 10 pm, 7 days a week on 1300 30 1300 for parenting difficulties. For more information on Postnatal Depression, visit the Beyondblue website at www.beyondblue.org.au

Some people find it difficult to say no.  This often leads to them feeling as though they have no control over their life.  People who find it difficult to say no also spend a great deal of time doing things for others.  Things that they really do not want to do.  This can often lead to resentment and frustration building, which can potentially poison relationships.  Saying ‘no’ to others demands helps put us back into the drivers seat and means we have more control over our life and time.

If saying ‘no’ is, a good thing to do then why do so may people struggle with it?  There are a number of beliefs that suggest why people struggle to say no, such as

• Saying ‘no’ is rude and aggressive
• Saying ‘no’ is unkind, selfish and uncaring
• Saying ‘no’ will hurt others
• If I say ‘no’ to someone they will cease to like me, or
• Saying ‘no’ over a little things is petty and small-minded.

The key is to challenge some of these beliefs, just because you say ‘no’ does not mean you are rejecting the person; you are refusing a request not the person.  Furthermore, other people have the right to ask, and you have the right to refuse. 

So what are some ways to say ‘No’?  I use several methods when I am working with people in becoming more assertive.  For example, you could try

1. ‘Thank you’, then ‘no’eg: “thank you for thinking of me but I am unavailable”.
2. Reflective listening, then ‘no’.  Reflect the content of the request and then state your ‘no’, eg: “I understand your are short of money at the moment, but I am unable to help you”.
3. The reasoned ‘no’.  You can say ‘no’ and give a very clear explanation as to why, eg: “No, I’ve agreed to spend time with your father today”.
4. The raincheck ‘no’.  You have to say ‘no’ but you may be able to help in the future, eg: “No, I can’t drive you to your friend’s house, but I will have time tomorrow”.
5. The ‘no’ sandwich.  The first layer is a statement acknowledging what the other person wants from you.  The second layer (or the meat in the sandwich) is your refusal and the third layer is your reason, eg: “I understand you have a deadline, but I can’t help you today as I have already made commitments.
6. The broken record ‘no’.  Constantly repeating the same statement regardless of their pleas, eg: “No, I am unable to help you”.
7. The simple ‘No”.  Sometimes by offering no explanation, there is less opportunity for the person to persist.

By expressing our feelings openly and honestly and saying no to things we really do not want to do, actually allows others to know us and helps us feel better.  It also helps us to feel better about who we are.

At Relationships Australia, we can assist you in developing assertiveness and if you are in a drought declared area and affected by the drought, a fisherperson affected by the change in fishery laws or a sugar worker affected by changes to the industry our counselling services are free.  Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

In our modern society, life moves pretty fast.  Going to the bank can be instantaneous at the click of a button.  We have faster, more efficient cars so we can get to our destinations quicker.  We can sit in our fast, efficient cars and order fast food.  We can even talk and see people in real time, which may be on the other side of the globe on our mobile phones while waiting for our fast food, while sitting in our fast efficient car.

Being able to do things faster and get things done quickly has led to the pace of life increasing.  As the pace of life has increased, there has also been an increase in stress related illnesses as well, such as coronary heart disease and strokes.

Even though we all have different temperaments, for some people life is a constant rush.  Rushing from one activity to the next, moving from one achievement to the next, always using every minute of the day, cramming as much in as possible into one week.  This style of behaviour often has roots in early childhood where the ‘need to achieve’ and be successful is instilled.  A person with this temperament style could be referred to as possessing, Type A Behaviour.

The difficulty that arises with Type A Behaviour is that it can often lead to problems with stress, ‘hurry sickness’, or even have fatal consequences.

Some of the characteristics of someone with Type A Behaviour are

• Competitiveness:  an overriding need to achieve;
• Hurry Sickness: an intense sense of time urgency;
• Hostility: inappropriate aggression if progress is impeded;
• Joyless striving: always on the go, with many projects at once;
• Inability to relax: difficulty turning off.

Though it may seem that Type A behaviour can mean that a lot is achieved, the down side is that if we constantly are go go go, eventually it takes a toll on our bodies.  

So what can you do if you feel you might be a candidate for Type A behaviour?

• Have a chat to your GP, or a mental health professional
• learn how to relax
• leave work such as reports, at work
• turn off your work mobile phone when you are on week-ends/holidaystry doing one thing at a time
• don’t make and constantly update to-do lists

For further information on ways to manage issues such as Type A behaviour call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.