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Being Taken For Granted

The problem:  When we start to date someone special, our focus is on that person and building the relationship.  It can be one of the most joyous and happy times of our lives.  As time passes though, we can start to take our partners for granted assuming that they will always be around and doing the things that they have always done in the relationship.  This can be the start of a destructive pattern as one person may start to feel resentful that their contribution to the relationship is not being recognized or supported by the other person.

The solution:  Whether you have been with your partner for 6 weeks or 60 years, make sure you take the time to tell them you appreciate them, their efforts and that you really enjoy spending time with them.  Thank them for when they do something such as the washing or ironing and help out when you can.  You are likely to find that when you start thanking your partner for the ‘little things’ it won’t be long before you are also appreciated in return.

Communication Problems

The problem:  In the beginning, we listen with eagerness to everything the other person tells us, we laugh at every joke or anecdote and file away in our minds every experience or story that we learn about their life.  But after awhile, we start to ‘tune out’ a little as we hear repeated stories or comments.  This can affect the way that we communicate with our partners by not listening to what they are saying.  Poor communication causes frustration and friction in relationships.

The solution:  Switch off the television, radio, playstation, mobile telephone and sit in front of your partner so you are looking at each others faces so that you are not only hearing words but also reading the body language of the other person.  By giving your partner complete attention you can both communicate effectively in a short period of time without anyone having to repeat what they are saying because you are actively listening.  As a couple you should try to develop a time every day or every week where you sit down and talk about things that have been happening, how you are feeling, what has been troubling you and what is likely to happen in the next week (the kids are back at school, Tim needs to see the dentist) etc…

Intimacy

The problem:  At the start of the relationship, the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and the chemistry sizzled.  Now with two small children, you barely have time to greet each other in the mornings or the energy to stay awake past their bedtime.  When intimacy is lacking, the relationship between the couple can often be strained as one partner may feel that the other partner is no longer providing them with the love and reassurance that they experience at the start.

The solution:  Intimacy is not just about sex – it is about being close to your partner and can include kisses, hugs, holding hands, giving massages, stroking backs, going for walks together and generally spending time together doing things you both enjoy but as a couple.  While our lives are often so busy and if you add in small children, you may not be able to find the time nor energy to relive those sexual marathons of your dating days.  But if you are sitting watching television together, holding hands and a few kisses here and there can provide the intimacy that a couple needs to remind themselves of why they are together.

Time Poor

The problem:  When you were younger and in love and didn’t have a mortgage and family, you could spend hours together browsing flea markets, going to the beach and dining out.  But now it seems that with both of you working, being parents and trying to keep up with friends and family members, as well as participating in the local football club and the school P&C – there is never any time for just the two of you.  When you are both stretched and involved with other activities, a couple can often feel the strain.

 

The solution:  Write down a list of all of your family commitments and the day/time that is taken up by the activity.  Try to cut out a few activities and replace them with activities for the whole family or for just the two of you.  When you book in activities in your diary, block out sections of time each week just for the two of you.  Perhaps instigate a ‘date night’ where the two of you head out to a restaurant together, see a movie or just have a lovely meal at home undisturbed by television, the radio or any other activity.  We often prioritise time demands made of us by outside sources when we should be prioritising time spent with our partners and our families.

Family Interference

The problem:  When we become a couple, we often feel that it is just the two of us but not far into the relationship, we discover that our families are part of it as well.  Family members can mean well but may actually end up interfering in the choices a couple make.  Unwanted advice, although given with the best intentions, can cause problems for a couple.  This can result in external pressure on the relationship and could generate a few arguments between the couple and/or the other family members.

The solution:  As a couple you need to have discussed and agreed upon your position and assert this to your family members.  You must present a united and strong front if you want to minimize the disruption to your lives now and in the future.  Just as parents need to define boundaries for their children, couples need to define boundaries with their extended family members on what is or isn’t appropriate behaviour.

 

If you are having relationship difficulties that you are finding a challenge to manage, please seek assistance early through a counselling service such as Relationships Australia that have professionally trained and experienced counsellors that can assist couples and families.  If you seek help early, you may be able to minimize disruption to your family and your relationship.  Call 1300 364 277 for more information or to book an appointment.

Couples often express difficulty in communicating. Communication is a key component in creating solid foundations for a healthy relationship.  Good communication consists of three essential skills

• Listening to what the other person is saying,
• Expressing how you feel and what you think, and
• Accepting the other person’s opinions and feelings even when they are different from your own.

Dr John Gottman has found through his research into couples, that there are four communication “spoilers” that couples can do when they disagree, he calls them the four horsemen. They are:

• Criticism: saying there is something wrong/defective with your partner eg: “What kind of person are you?”.
• Contempt: taking the moral high ground eg: “My family wouldn’t be so low as to do something like that, unlike your family”.
• Defensiveness: Protecting or justifying behaviour by retaliation eg: “Yeah, but what about what you did”.
• Stonewalling: shutting down, associated with high physiological arousal and efforts to self-soothe with negative self-talk such as, “Here we go again, does she ever stop”.

If these horsemen are present when couples talk, it did does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but what it does mean is that each time couples engage in conversation, it makes it harder and harder to positively communicate and this may ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

So how can we better communicate with our partner without using the horsemen?  There are some things that we can do that not only help get our message across to our partner, but also build a healthy relationship where both can openly and assertively express themselves.

• Choose the right time and place, not when you are busy or tired.  Make a special time
• Don’t go off on a tangent, stick to the issue
• Think of the positives as well.  It is hard to be nasty if you are thinking of good things about your partner.  You will find you can still get your point across but the insults will not be present.
• Make your point and encourage your partner to be involved.
• Accept that your partner and you can never think or feel the same about issues. 
• And finally be aware of gender differences in communication and discuss these differences, if they exist with you and your partner
  • Often men offer solutions to problems and want to achieve results whereas women want to share feelings and discuss difficulties
  • Men’s talk is concerned with exhibiting knowledge, passing on information, preserving status and independence. The emphasis for women is on displaying similarity, establishing connections and creating intimacy.
  • Some people tend to think internally and express the finished product of their thoughts, whereas others tend to think aloud, sharing their inner dialogue.

At Relationships Australia, we offer couple counselling which can assist you and your partner in building, re-building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia venue.

 

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

We can log on to the internet and meet new people every day and all we will know about them is what we see remotely on the screen – a photo, their internet username and how they choose to describe themselves.

We can strike up friendships and have computer-based conversations or telephone chats with people and never see them or speak to them in person.

The internet is an informal, anonymous place to meet people. People don’t know what you do or what you look like, aside from photos you may wish to post. You can change your gender, job, sexual preferences, age and culture. You are known only by what you write.

The risks of online relating

It can be exciting to explore internet opportunities, but there are risks involved. These risks are there when we choose to make a personal internet relationship. This might be moving from a public to a private chat room, starting to correspond by email, starting to communicate by telephone or arranging to meet.

The risks are highest when we move straight from the cyber-world into the real world, as we are basing our decision to meet the other person only on information we are told, not on something we can independently assess. When we meet someone in person we hear not only what they say, but notice their body language and non-verbal cues as well as their overall behaviour.

The internet can be a place of immense deception or great honesty, more honesty than some people would normally express in the real world; and this creates an interesting paradox. Existing healthily in the internet world involves knowing the difference, and being cautious at the right times.

If you choose to meet someone in person after meeting them on the internet, consider these tips:

 

1. Don’t go alone – have someone you trust with you and meet them in a public place.
2. Start the relationship anew. When people first meet and start new relationships they check each other out and then gradually reveal themselves, bit-by-bit bringing down their barriers and protection. When you meet an internet connection in person, treat it like a new beginning and make sure you have your barriers up, even if you think you know this person. They might not be who they say they are or who you expect them to be.
3. Be in control of what is happening. Don’t allow yourself to do anything that you don’t want to do and make sure you have ways to leave the situation safely.

For further information or to make an appointment to speak with one of our counsellors please call 1300 364 277.

The birth of a first child and the process of becoming parents is a major turning point for most relationships. Each person’s experience of becoming a parent is different. While for some it will be an easy transition, for others it may create some unexpected problems.

The birth of your first child will cause major changes to your lives. You can prepare for this change in several ways, such as:

• learning beforehand about childbirth and about being the parent of a young baby
• making practical arrangements for when your baby comes home
• making decisions about your work arrangements and finances after your baby is born

You may not have thought how becoming a parent will affect your relationship with your partner. Children affect their parents’ relationship. Couples often overlook this in the busy time preparing for their child’s birth, and in the excitement of becoming parents.

Couples face two particular challenges at this time:

• coping with the demands of pregnancy, childbirth and the early months of parenthood
• expanding their relationship to make room for their baby

Pregnancy

During pregnancy, both partners must adjust to the woman’s physical changes. Each person’s experience of pregnancy is affected by:

• the woman’s physical health
• how the woman feels about herself as her pregnancy develops
• how her partner reacts to her pregnancy
• how both partners cope with the changes in their emotional and sexual relationship.

The effect of pregnancy on a couple’s relationship can vary enormously.  It can draw couples closer and can highlight differences.

Men also have emotional needs during pregnancy. These may include a need to be able to express their concerns and to be reassured.  Pregnancy often puts new emotional demands on men – demands to show patience and tenderness, to mop up tears and to give gentle encouragement.  This can be difficult for some men.

Sexuality is often affected by pregnancy. For some couples pregnancy is a time of heightened sensuality, a time when love-making takes on a new intensity and a new importance.  Others find that during pregnancy their libido diminishes and that other ways of expressing intimacy and affection become more important.

Birth – and afterwards

Many fathers are present at their child’s birth.  Some choose to be present and others feel that they have to be present because it is expected of them. For some couples, sharing the experience of their child’s birth can be very special.

Some fathers, however, find the experience more upsetting than they had expected.  It can be difficult for men to find someone they can talk with honestly about the childbirth and the feelings it aroused.

After the excitement of the baby’s birth comes the task of settling down to parenthood. Parents’ experiences will vary.  For some couples the transition is easy; for others, it can be a difficult time – a time of tiredness and emotional stress, when couples become distant and withdrawn and sometimes resentful of their partner’s reaction to the new situation.

Many couples experience uncertainty, and sometimes difficulty, in their sexual relationship after the birth of a child. For some, it is a matter of picking up where they left off, but others find that the demands of parenting affect their sexual needs and their lovemaking for a long time. Honest and open communication is vital to avoid hurt and misunderstanding between couples.

Now we are three

The physical and practical aspects of becoming parents presents couples with many wonderful and exciting experiences to share as well as bringing new challenges to overcome. The most difficult challenge can be learning to make room in their relationship for the baby.

The arrival of the first child means that time and emotional energy will be taken from the couple’s relationship and put instead into parenting their child.  Most couples are happy to make this change and share the parenting responsibilities and fun.  Some partners, however, can feel left out, unappreciated or not as loved as before. This can distance the couple from each other. Good communication will help the the couple to love and enjoy their baby, and maintain their love and interest in each other

Differences of opinion are normal and can be enriching for a relationship. Some conflict in relationships is inevitable, but there are ways to handle conflict so that it is not destructive to you individually or as a couple.

People often get emotional and angry when they see their partner has different values, beliefs or expectations from them. We all need to understand and accept that between any two people there will be differences in ideas and expectations and, at times, conflict and strong expression of feelings.

Relationships usually become stronger if partners talk about these differences. Differences will be part of relationships, but they may be resolved through respectful communication.

All couples experience problems in one form or another – it’s part of sharing your life with another person. The difference between relationships that flourish and those that don’t is how well couples deal with the challenges and problems they face in their life together.

What does conflict in a relationship indicate?

Conflict, most commonly expressed as anger, can indicate that all is not well for a couple, that some change is needed to keep their relationship healthy.

If conflict has a purpose, then instead of asking “how can we avoid conflict?” we should ask, “how can we manage not to hurt each other or our relationship when we have a row?” and“how can we learn from the conflict?”

Avoiding conflict could mean avoiding important issues which would be better faced and sorted out.

Conflict is a symptom – treating the symptom by patching things up without finding out its cause is unwise in the long-term.

Anger

Anger is, for many people, a negative feeling and one that can be frightening because of its intensity and possible consequences.

There are four ways of responding when we feel angry:

• expressing our anger
• denying our anger
• acknowledging our anger
• acting on our anger.

Expressing anger

Anger can be expressed by attacking the person we are angry with, doing a lot of shouting and screaming and perhaps using physical force by hitting, pushing or punching the other person.  Other ways way of expressing anger include withdrawing or using controlling behaviours.

Expressing anger in these ways will often leave a wound in the relationship that is harder to heal than the original cause of the anger. It may make you feel justified temporarily, but can also leave you feeling guilty (because of the effects of your behaviour) even if you are convinced you were in the right.
Those who deal with their anger by expressing it without restraint often claim that their anger takes over, and that they can’t help their actions.

It may feel as if anger is beyond our control, but in reality everyone can learn to control their response to anger.

Denying anger

A second way of dealing with anger is to bottle it up and deny it. Some people become so good at denying their anger that they even fool themselves and become unaware that they are angry, even if it is obvious to those around them.
Bottling up anger and refusing to deal with it may solve a problem for a while, but it will create worse problems in the future. Facing up to conflict, whilst sometimes painful and confronting, can improve a relationship.
Ignoring anger means ignoring the warning signals that all is not right in the relationship. It also leaves the other person in the conflict feeling frustrated because they sense that something is wrong, but cannot get things out into the open and sort them out. 
Denying anger can gradually destroy a relationship. For example, it is difficult for a couple to be intimate and trusting with each other if they keep denying or ignoring the anger between them.

Acknowledging anger and acting on our anger

The most constructive way of handling anger is toresolve conflict as quickly and as constructively as possible.

A verbal attack on your partner when you are angry is unhelpful, as is trying to score points by pointing out past failures.

When conflict arises and you feel angry with your partner, the following steps may be useful:

• Admit that you are angry. Try using “I” statements such as, “I feel angry and let down that you are so late for dinner and didn’t call me” rather than “You make me angry because you’re always late.”
• Admitting your anger lets your partner know how you are feeling. It helps to get problems into the open so that both partners can do something about them.
• Ask for “time out”. This is essential if either you or your partner feels too angry to talk about the problem – “I’m too angry now; let’s talk about it later”.
  Ask for time out if you need it, but time out shouldn’t be used to avoid issues. It is important that you come back later and try to sort things out.
• Explore your feelings.There is nearly always another feeling underneath your anger like sadness, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of being let down or taken for granted. Let your partner know how you feel. The underlying feeling will usually be a clue to the real issue that you and your partner need to face up to and talk about. For example, you may say that you’re angry with your partner for spending so much time with his/her friends, but underneath you feel hurt and want him/her to spend more time with you.
• Listen to your partner’s point of view. There may be an angle on the situation that you haven’t considered.
• Be prepared to acknowledge your part in the problem.Saying sorry does not mean that you are accepting all the responsibility.
• Ask what can be learnt from the conflict. This will improve your relationship and lessen the chances of a similar conflict happening again.
• Be prepared to forgive and make up. Do this when you are ready, but it’s best not to make your partner wait as a punishment. A row between two people who love each other is like a short separation. Reunion after separation can lead to a deepening of closeness and intimacy in the relationship.

When your partner is angry

When your partner expresses anger with you:

• Listen to their complaint
• Show genuine interest
• Acknowledge your partner’s anger
• Take time out if necessary – look after yourself
• Be prepared to change what you do
• Apologise if appropriate.

Physical violence in relationships

Physical violence in intimate and family relationships is a serious criminal offence and is never acceptable as a response to conflict or provocation.

Once physical violence occurs in a relationship, it can easily become a pattern.  It often becomes more frequent, and usually becomes more serious the longer the relationship continues.  It can ultimately lead to serious injury, or even death.  Violence in an intimate or family relationship is a sign that the relationship is in crisis. It should be taken seriously and assistance should be sought. If you feel unsafe or in danger you can contact a domestic violence support service in your state or territory, or the police.

Warning signs of a relationship breakdown

Noticing early warning signs of relationship breakdown can help a couple resolve conflicts.  Some early warning signs are:

• abandonment of joint activities – just living parallel lives
• recurring arguments that are never resolved
• feelings of ongoing dissatisfaction and unhappiness
• preoccupation with interests and activities outside the relationship by one partner leading to the other partner feeling neglected
• complaints of loss of feeling – one or both partner/s speaking of no longer being in love
• an affair – becoming emotionally and/or sexually involved with a person outside the relationship
• increased fatigue and reduced ability to meet responsibilities at work
• arguments over parenting.

When is a good time to get professional help?

Professional guidance and extra skills can often assist.  If your relationship has some of the above warning signs, it may be time to seek help.  Counsellors can help you identify underlying problems and may be able to help you find ways to mend your relationship.  Family dispute resolution practitioners (family mediators) can work with you to define practical issues and identify present and future needs.

The sooner that you act on issues, the easier they may be to resolve.

It is beneficial for couples to learn new ways of relating, communicating and resolving conflict.

For more information or to make an appointment call 1300 364 277.

Second marriages or partnerships and stepfamilies present challenges and new opportunities for couples.

In second partnerships, couples are often more aware of the difficulties in establishing a successful relationship and are more committed to making the marriage work.

Both second marriages and stepfamilies have to overcome some difficult hurdles. These hurdles can present significant challenges to the couple in their relationship as partners and as parents.

Unfortunately, many second marriages and stepfamilies, despite their commitment to making things work, fail to get over these hurdles.

This page outlines some of the challenges and complications of re-partnering and step-families.

The decision to re-marry or re-partner

Before you re-marry or re-partner, you should consider the following questions:

• When?
• Why?
• To Whom?

Listen to any doubts. If necessary, wait a little longer.

When?

The simple answer is after you have fully come to terms with the end of your previous relationship.  This is particularly important if you did not want the first marriage to end, and had to deal with the pain of leaving or being left by your previous partner.  It takes longer than many people expect to get over the end of a long term relationship, even if you were unhappy and felt that the end was inevitable.

Some studies suggest many people take at least two years to adjust to the end of a long term relationship. There are many exceptions to this. Some people take longer, others adjust more rapidly. Ask yourself:

• Do I find myself thinking about my ex-partner and do these thoughts still arouse strong feelings such as anger and resentment?
• Have I adjusted to living alone again?
• Have I regained a sense of self-confidence?
• Can I look back on that relationship and recognise some of the things that contributed to its breakdown?

In other words, am I emotionally free to re-partner? Can I put all my emotional energy into this new relationship without allowing my feelings about my previous relationship to get in the way?

Just as you cannot re-marry until you are legally free to do so, being emotionally free to re-marry is also important.

Why?

Unfortunately this question is often overlooked. Are you thinking of re-marrying or re- partnering because you want to be with someone whom you love or do you want to re-marry or re-partner for the sake of being in a relationship, or to provide a two-parent home for your children?  Being alone is not easy after being married or in a long-term relationship, especially if you have children living with you.  However, moving too rapidly into a new relationship can create a new set of problems.

To whom?

Past experiences influence our choice of partners.  This is especially true of a second marriage.  Be realistic about what worked and what didn’t work in your first marriage when making a decision about a new partner.  Learn from that experience to clarify what sort of partner you want.

Being in love is not enough to make a relationship work especially once the initial excitement has worn off.

For more information or to make an appointment please call 1300 364 277.

Stepfamilies are in some ways like first-time-round families.  They are also, in many other ways, vastly different.  Most people who become a part of a stepfamily are unprepared for the differences.  These differences can include:

• The complexity of stepfamilies – there are many more family relationships in stepfamilies.  There are likely to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and a parent living outside the family with no links with other members of the stepfamily.
• The new couple’s different attitudes to child-rearing.
• Emotional upheavals. Family members may have experienced distress from the break-up of the previous marriage or relationship. Some may still be grieving for the family they have lost.
• Huge changes. All members of the stepfamily, including those living outside the family, must cope with the change and make a number of adjustments.
• More parents. There are more parent figures in a stepfamily and the parenting may be shared by someone outside the family.
• Different likes and dislikes. There is no common history and different family members may have different ideas about how things are done.

Whether the previous relationship ended through death, separation or divorce, there are many people who need to adjust to the new relationship.

The expectation for the new family to appear like a first-time-round family with two natural parents and their children living in one household together, can cause pain for everyone. It can involve the denial of the existence of other parents and relatives. It is important to accept that the stepfamily will never be the same as the first-time-round family and to identify the benefits of being in a stepfamily.

New step-parents and step-children are unlikely to instantly love each other and recognise each other’s strengths. Love cannot be forced upon each other and the relationship may take time to develop.

Not an instant family

Stepfamilies are complex and it may take some time for strong family relationships to form.

Stepfamilies need to address two important issues:

• coping with the past
• negotiating relationships in the new family.

Coping with the past

It is important to allow for past experiences as much as possible. For example, children who were exposed to violence in their original family may take a long time to be able to really trust a new step-parent. This has nothing to do with the step-parent, but is a legacy of the past.

It is often tempting to not talk about the past as it holds painful memories. Yet it is best for the new partner to know about past difficulties. Children should also know if they are old enough. This helps to minimise secrets and taboo topics of conversation, both of which can lead to tension and difficulty. The new stepfamily also needs to work out ways of coping with contact between children and their other parent.

Negotiating relationships in the new family

Relationships in stepfamilies take time to develop and have to be negotiated in ways that are often not necessary in the original family where relationships evolved over time. Learning to live in a stepfamily is a process that can take years rather than months.

There are many people to consider:

• the children of both partners, including the visiting children of one partner
• the children’s other parent  and perhaps his/her new children and step-children
• grandparents and other extended family members
• children of new relationships

and many issues:

• the age order of the children may have been altered in a blended family
• the children may have different interests from their step parent and step-siblings
• a child may have special needs that affect the whole family
• how birthdays, special occasions and school events are managed
• a step-parent may have no experience of parenting children or of parenting children older than his/her own, and have unrealistic expectations.

For more information or to make an appointment please call 1300 364 277.

The Family Law Act was originally passed in 1975 but recently a number of amendments have been made.  One of the key changes is the emphasis on the principle of shared parenting responsibility.

Shared parenting responsibility means that both parents have an equal role in making decisions about important issues that affect their children such as education, health and religion regardless, of who the children live with and how much time they spend with each parent.

This does not necessarily mean that children should spend equal time with both parents although it can be considered as an option for some families.  An equal time arrangement only works under specific circumstances.  The most important aspect to consider is the co-parenting relationship. Research shows that equal time works if parents have a co-operative co-parenting relationship.  If the co-parenting relationship is conflictual your children will find an equal time arrangement not only difficult but harmful.  For obvious reasons an equal time arrangement works if parents live within close geographical proximity.  Equal time is not recommended for very young children. 

Shared parenting responsibility is more likely to occur if children spend time with each parent which enables them to be involved in the day to day routine of the children’s lives like homework, transport to school and extra curricular activities, such as doctor/dentist/hairdressing appointments, and shopping for clothes and gifts when needed.

For shared parenting to work both parents need to be willing to communicate with each other about their children’s lives.

In carrying out shared parenting responsibility it can be helpful if you:-

• Focus on what your children need from you rather than what you want or what you think you have a right to
• Remember – the better your relationship with the other parent the easier it is for your children.
• Do not try to sort things out when you are tired, stressed, hurt, or angry.
• Respect the other parent’s privacy.
• Be polite and respectful to the other parent even if you do not feel like it.

Relationships Australia, through our Family Dispute Resolution Service, can assist you to develop parenting plans after separation that incorporates the principle of shared parenting responsibility.  The Parenting Orders Program can assist parents to improve their co-parenting relationship and focus on the children’s best interests.  For further information call 1300 364 277.

For many gay couples, the thought of having children together is both joyful and daunting, not only for the sheer challenges and richness of raising a family, but the significant obstacles both legal and operational, to making this happen.  Perhaps one of the biggest challenges facing same-sex couples is societal prejudice which culminates in lack of services, support and suitable legislation. Whereas heterosexual couples can conceive a child without any need for legal intervention, the road for the same sex couple or single must revolve to a large extent around the law and what is and isn’t legal.

According to the 2002 NSW Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby Inc report, around 10% of gay men and 20% of lesbians are parents. In a female same sex couple, the conception of a child will occur usually through one partner conceiving via an artificial insemination with either a known, (50%-70%), usually gay donor, or an anonymous sperm donor. Between half and two thirds of gay sperm donors later have some contact with the child.

In a male same sex couple, conception is through entering into a surrogacy arrangement, where either one or both donate sperm or where the sperm is from an anonymous donor. A surrogate is a woman who carries a child for a couple/single person and gives the child to them once it is born. She  may be the baby’s biological egg donor (traditional surrogacy) or be implanted with someone else’s fertilized egg (gestational surrogacy). Surrogacy agreements are either commercial (Fee paying) or non-commercial, (altruistic – where the surrogate agrees to receive no payment or reward). An application for parentage has to be made to the court by the intended parents to obtain rights to the surrogate child.

The other option is adoption, which is legally placing a person under the age of 18 permanently with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Around 500 adoptions occur per year in Australia and the first legal Australian gay adoption was in Western Australia in 2007, by a male same sex couple. 

The Legal Side

Since national changes on 1 July 2009, same-sex couples receive the same level of recognition as de facto opposite-sex couples in federal legislation including tax, health, superannuation, and aged care. However, things still remain different state to state regarding assisted reproduction.

Artificial Insemination

Legally across Australia, artificial insemination is referred to as reproductive technology and at a state level, the laws regulating artificial insemination and surrogacy vary considerably, as each state either has their own act, or no state legislation at all. Navigating through this can be enormously draining and emotional.

Most state differences relate to access and eligibility for assisted reproductive services, legal rights and acknowledgement of parentage for LGBT people, and is changing quite regularly, therefore it is wise to seek specialist legal advice around this before proceeding. For example, Queensland released new legislation on surrogacy in February 2010.

If you are thinking of using a Sperm Bank, most children of sperm bank donor material have no access rights to identifying information and the donors are required to waive any parental rights over your child. Some sperm banks may permit the child to access the donor once the child becomes an adult. The advantage of using a sperm bank is anonymity and they will test semen for diseases and collect health and genetic information from donors so this can inform your choices. The disadvantages of using a sperm bank are that they can be expensive and they freeze semen which can cause it to be less vigorous than fresh sperm and therefore it may take you longer to get pregnant. In regard to single women accessing sperm, donors must give specific consent for their sperm to be used for single women.If you usean unknown donor for insemination,  or a surrogacy arrangement, you may need to consider how you will speak to your children about who their donor father is or biological parents are.

If you choose to get pregnant using a known donor such as a close friend, or relative of your partner, the advantages are that you know his personality, family history, physical and mental health, and he might be open to being involved in the child’s life if you wish. You don’t have to pay for the sperm, although you may have to pay a doctor to inseminate you and the donor to have screening tests for HIV, and other STI’s. Should the relationship with the known donor deteriorate, you will need to consider what the plan will be as he may apply for parenting orders over your child.  

Surrogacy 

Victoria, South Australia, Queensland, Tasmania, and the Australian Capital Territory (ACT) all have legislation regulating surrogacy. If you are interested in doing  non-commercial surrogacy in Australia, it is strongly recommended that you seek legal advice around the specific Act that relates to the state in which you reside, before proceeding,as it may be that onlythe birth parents are lawfully deemed to be the legal parents and the child will be registered in their name.  As a gay couple you may need to apply to the court for parentage to gain legal right to the children.

All states must comply with The National Health and Medical Research Council (NHMRC) guidelines which state that clinics must not facilitate surrogacy arrangements unless every effort has been made to ensure that participants have a clear understanding of the ethical, social and legal implications of such arrangements; and have undertaken counselling to consider the social and psychosocial significance for the child and themselves.

Most often gay men seek surrogacy in the U.S.A. as generally the legal system accommodates their needs more fully.

Adoption

Adoption for same-sex couples differs from state to state with some states making this available and others only allowing foster care as an option. Other states allow single LGBT applicants but they are considered less of a priority than couples, and lengthy waiting lists can make it virtually impossible. Individuals may usually only adopt a child with special needs or in cases of exceptional circumstances. In November 2009, The Rev. Fred Nile introduced the same sex adoption referendum proposal into NSW parliament proposing the requirement for a referendum prior to any change of NSW legislation. Again, seeking up to date legal advice is strongly recommended. 

The Human Side

What about the Children:

These days, there are many different combinations and permutations of family; same sex couples, heterosexual couple with children, single parents, and those who have re-partnered into a blended family. Thus children are now exposed to this variety of pictures of what makes a family. Depending upon the openness of the environment in which your children are raised and exposed to, responses from peers and others can vary: children’s feelings may range anywhere from feeling different from their peers who may have a mum and dad living in the same household to feeling proud of having “two mums and two dads”. Being involved in your child’s school and community to advocate for diversity can be a way of feeling empowered and modelling acceptance to your child. As well as this, involving yourself in LGBT parenting support groups can expose your child to other families that are similar in nature. Familiarising yourself with community agencies that are LGBT friendly can help with knowing where to go for support.

A number of LGBT couples will have children included from a prior opposite sex relationship, and along with any other blended family, face the challenge of integrating prior partners and children into the new family, and establishing rules and roles for everyone. Sometimes counselling can be a great help with this process as a way of sorting through issues that are raised.

Often same-sex parents are conditioned to be concerned with how their children will be affected by growing up in a household of same-sex parents. Surrounding children with positive role models is important, and research shows it is more about the quality of the parenting, than the gender of the parents, when it comes to the children’s wellbeing. A research review of  81 studies of one- and two-parent families, including gay, lesbian and heterosexual couples conducted by the University of Southern California, found that “No research supports the widely held conviction that the gender of parents matters for child well-being,” and that they are “statistically indistinguishable” from children from heterosexual couples in  areas such as self esteem, social adjustment and school performance.

As with any parenting role, assisting your child to  form secure attachments to both care-givers and helping them to feel special, loved and secure will be an important part of their development. Familiarising yourself with the basic developmental tasks of children at different stages, and reading parenting literature will assist with being sensitive to their needs.

What happens if the relationship ends?

According to S.60H of the Family Law Act (1975) apresumption of parentage will apply only to the birth mother and at present, whether the sperm donor is known or not, there appears to be no presumption of parentage in his favour and thus he will have no parental rights/responsibility. Legal advice from a specialised practitioner is recommended to determine the rights pertaining to your case.

For more information or to make an appointment to speak to one of our counsellors please call 1300 364 277.

Resources:

•  For information on state laws relating to artificial insemination and surrogacy try: http://www.dh.sa.gov.au/reproductive-technology
• The Donor Conception Support Group of Australia Inc. dcsg@optushome.com.au  (02) 9793 9335

http://www.gaydadsaustralia.com/surrogacy/index.htm

• information on the international surrogacy process, contracts and other useful tips and resources.

http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/families/a/Insemination.htm

• information about artificial insemination and factors involved

http://www.lawreform.vic.gov.au/resources

• Assisted Reproductive Technology & Adoption Position Paper Three: Surrogacy
• LGBT rights in Australia  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Australia

http://www.legislation.qld.gov.au/Bills/53PDF/2009/SurrogacyB09.pdf  2009 surrogacy bill for qld.  

Australian Sperm Donor Registry        

A database of donors, a fee is payable to access contact details of potential donors.http://www.australianspermdonorregistry.net/

www.raisingchildren.net.au   parenting_in_a_same–sex_relationship

Research:

• Stacey, J., & Biblarz, T. J  how does the gender of parents matter?   
• Journal of Marriage and Family, Volume 72, Issue 1
• Stacey, J., & Biblarz, T. J. (2001). (How) does the sexual orientation of parents matter? American Sociological Review, 66, 159 – 183.
• Millbank, J. Meet the Parents: A Review of the Research on Lesbian and Gay Families. Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby (NSW), 2002. Available from: URL:

http://www.glrl.org.au/pdf/major_reports/meet_the_parents.pdf

•  Meet the parents [pdf]
• http://www.aifs.gov.au/afrc/bibs/samesex.html – Australian Institute of family studies- for research articles on same sex families

Books:

• Pride and joy: a resource for prospective lesbian parents in Victoria.

Produced by the Royal Women’s Hospital. Melbourne, 2003. Available from the Royal Women’s Hospital, Phone 03 9344 2000

• Millbank, J- And then … the brides changed nappies: Lesbian mothers, gay fathers and the legal recognition of our relationships with the children we raise

Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby of NSW, 2003, 26p, and Online

• QLD association for Healthy Communitieswww.qahc.org.au/parenting 

Separation and divorce is a change that affects a number of Australian families each year.  With 40% of all marriages ending in divorce the Australian Institute of Family Studies states that divorce is impacting on 50,000 children each year.  Some children will experience more than one parental divorce or separation during their childhood.

Divorce and separation is not a single event but a process that all members of the family move through over a period of time.  It involves multiple changes and multiple challenges for parents and children.

The number one concern for parents when separation and/or divorce is looming is “How is this going to affect the children?” The reliable research is now showing that under the right circumstances, children whose parents separate and divorce manage just as well in the long term as children whose parents stay together.

There are a number of ways parents can help their children cope with this change so that they continue to grow and develop, reaching their full potential as individuals.

Don’t fight: Stay out of conflict with the other parent.  High levels of prolonged conflict have been cited by research as the number one factor which leads to negative short and long term outcomes for children experiencing separation or divorce.

Keep children out of the middle:Avoid using the children as confidantes or messengers.  Find a way to communicate that doesn’t involve the children.  It is very important not to depend on them for emotional support.  They need you to support them through the difficulties.

Honesty: It is important to be honest. Children need to know something about the separation otherwise they will often blame themselves.   They need to be informed but not overwhelmed.  Make sure the information is age appropriate, for example, how you explain separation to a 3 year old will be quite different to how you explain it to a 13 year old.

Communicate: Give clear messages that you are open to talking with your children about their thoughts and feelings and that you are willing to listen and will try to answer any questions.

Consistency: One of the most important things for children at this time is stability and consistency.  Although some change is inevitable, try to keep as much as possible the same, for example, rules in the home, expectations of behaviour, routines, extra-curricular activities, and contact with extended family,. Continue to discipline and manage behaviour as you normally would even though it is difficult to be consistent when you are grieving or angry.  Children can adapt to differences between households as long as each household maintains consistency.  

Parenting Agreements: Develop a “Parenting Agreement” and negotiate arrangements for the children to ensure that they know that you are encouraging a continuing relationship with the other parent and their extended family.   Make agreements that focus at all times on the children’s needs.  

 

For more information or to make an appointment please call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.