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Category: Family & Parenting

Tips for Separating with Kids

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Separation can be an upsetting time for everyone involved.

Separating or divorcing with kids brings its own unique challenges as you help them make sense of big changes in the family. Children might feel confused, sad, or even angry. But there are ways you can help them better understand and cope.

Relationship Counsellor Shirley Hussie explains, “It’s not always parents separating that causes the psychological distress for children, but the way in which parents separate.”

With the right support, you can make your child’s wellbeing your top priority and reduce their stress and pain during this unsettling time.

 

How to Talk to Kids about Separation

While kids need to know their parents are separating or getting a divorce, they generally don’t need to know why.

When telling your kids about your divorce or separation, it’s important to keep it simple, stick to the facts, and reassure them that they are in no way responsible.

“Reassure the children they are loved, the separation is in no way their fault, and they will continue a relationship with both parents,” Shirley advises. “There is no rulebook – what works for one may not work for another. However, knowing they are loved and safe is fundamental.”

Some things to keep in mind when talking to your kids about your separation might include:

  • If you can, try to agree with your ex-partner in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce so you’re both on the same page and don’t confuse your kids
  • Don’t blame, criticise, or belittle the other parent in front of your kids
  • Keep your explanation clear, simple, and appropriate to their age and stage of development
  • Reassure them that they have not done anything wrong and that there is nothing they can do to get their parents back together
  • Tell them that you both love them and they will continue to have a relationship with both parents
  • Address any practical issues (e.g. changes to routines, living arrangements)
  • Give them opportunities to ask questions and express how they’re feeling.

 

Helping Kids through Divorce or Separation

“Parents separating has a profound impact on children,” Shirley explains. “They can feel confused, responsible, angry, lost, sad, lonely, and hurt.”

You can help your children adjust to their new circumstances with these practical tips.

Do:

  • Try to maintain as much consistency in their routines as you can
  • Introduce any changes to routines as gradually as possible
  • Provide reassurance with affection and by telling them “I love you”
  • Protect them from any conflict between you and the other parent
  • Encourage discussion about their feelings and concerns
  • Help them identify their feelings and let them know it’s normal and OK to feel that way
  • Give them opportunities to hear about other children who have experienced separation/divorce
  • Spend time strengthening your parenting skills
  • Support their relationship with the other parent
  • Ask caregivers/teachers to let you know if they notice changes in your child’s behaviour.

Don’t:

  • Lean on them for emotional support
  • Blame or speak negatively about the other parent in front of them
  • Use your child to play ‘messenger’ between you and the other parent
  • Ask your child to ‘spy’ or report back to you after spending time with the other parent
  • Give your child responsibilities that are inappropriate to their age (e.g. too many household responsibilities).

“Let them continue to be children and have fun,” says Shirley. “This is not their burden to carry.”

If you notice significant changes in your child’s behaviour, such as grief, crying, withdrawing, aggression, physical complaints (e.g. headaches, stomach aches), changes in sleeping or eating patterns, it may be a sign your child isn’t coping during this tough time.

 

You can find more advice to assist your children through your separation in the helpful booklet What About the Children?.

Learn about Relationships Australia QLD’s separation support services here.

If you’re recently separated or thinking about separating, you might find our separation checklist helpful.

50 Fun Things to Do as a Family

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How are you keeping your kids entertained these school holidays?

Some days call for hours of Disney+. But there are others where you want to make the most of your time together with child-friendly things to do as a family.

We’ve compiled a list of our favourite things to do with kids to share adventures – big and small – and make memories that last a lifetime.

Nothing against Nemo, but we think these fun family activities will be your kids’ new favourite things to do during the school holidays.

 

1. Visit your local library

Libraries offer endless new and exciting stories to take home, and little ones will love having their own special library card.

 

2. Have a family games night

Who doesn’t like Go Fish or Connect Four? Add some friendly competition with prizes like chocolates or extra TV time for the kids.

 

3. Set up a lemonade stand in your driveway

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade – then sell it to your neighbours for a small profit.

 

4. Bake cookies or cupcakes together

Sugary baked goods are the stuff of childhood dreams. Have fun with novelty cookie cutters and decorative icing pens.

 

5. Go on a picnic

Make some sandwiches or grab some takeaway and head to your favourite park or beach to get some fresh air.

 

6. Visit a farm

Take your kids to pat some baby farm animals and learn where fresh produce comes from. Families Magazine lists some great farms near Brisbane here.

 

7. Plant a herb or veggie garden

Get your hands dirty and spend a day in the garden planting your favourite herbs and veggies. Imagine how excited your little ones will be when it’s time to harvest!

 

8. Create collages from old magazines

If no one has opened those magazines on your coffee table for months, why not repurpose them for some arts and crafts? You could cut letters out to spell out your names or make a vision board of your favourite things.

 

9. Make tie-dye t-shirts

Give an old t-shirt a new look with some funky tie-dye. There are endless tutorials for tie-dying t-shirts, like this one from Parents.

 

10. Film a family music video

Every budding superstar will jump at the chance to dress up and perform their favourite song. Plus, catching it on film will give you arsenal for their 18th or 21st birthday.

 

11. Build a fort in the living room

Ah, the quintessential rainy day activity. Living room forts are best enjoyed with lots of cuddly blankets and pillows, and plenty of good snacks.

 

12. Go fishing

You don’t have to be a family of avid fishermen to enjoy casting a line. A day on the water is always fun, even if you leave empty-handed. 

 

13. Make a mural with chalk

Chalk is a great go-to for affordable family fun. Collaborate on a mural on the driveway or footpath. The best part is, you can hose it off and try again tomorrow.

 

14. Do a science experiment

Can you remember the first time you witnessed a baking soda and vinegar ‘volcano’ in all its glory? Gift that experience to your kids these school holidays.

 

15. Visit a national park

You can add an educational element by downloading a plant-identifying app like PlantSnap – it’s like Shazam for plants.

 

16. Make homemade pizzas

The only thing more fun than eating pizza is making it. Grab your favourite toppings and make an afternoon of it. Extra points for making your own dough!

 

17. Have a water balloon/water pistol fight

If the weather and the water restrictions permit, a good old-fashioned water fight is a great way to get outside and pass the time on warm days.

 

18. Fly a kite

Flying a kite is a whole lot of fun – especially if you’ve made your own. Find an open outdoor space on a windy day and get soaring.

 

19. Make ice cream

No ice-cream machine? No problem. Making your own delicious dessert is easier than you might think. This tutorial shows you how in six easy steps.

 

20. Go backyard camping

Who says you have to book a campsite to enjoy a night under the stars? Pitch a tent in the yard and prepare all your best ghost stories for some family fun.

 

21. Paint self-portraits

Move over, stick figures – self-portraits are the new form of art taking over the space on the fridge.

 

22. Do a LEGO challenge

Maybe NASA needs a new rocket, or perhaps Cinderella is in the market for a new castle. Take turns coming up with fun ideas for builds.

 

23. Make a playdough family

Ever wondered how you’d look in playdough? Find out how your kids really see you with this fun family activity.

 

24.  Make jewellery

You can buy DIY jewellery kits from your nearest craft or department store, or get creative using pipe cleaners, alfoil, string and uncooked macaroni.

 

25. Create with clay

Like playdough, but permanent. Make some funky bowls or cute animals out of clay from your local Bunnings or craft store.

 

26. Go digging for treasure

Hide some chocolate coins in the garden beds (wrapped and sealed, of course), hand your kids some shovels, and enjoy a cuppa.

 

27. Paint each other’s faces

This is a fun way to express your creativity and test your painting skills – just don’t forget to wash it off before getting the groceries.

 

28. Make shadow drawings

Toys and household objects can make some interesting shapes. Simply place the item in the sun so it casts a shadow onto paper, then trace.

 

29. Create nature masks

You don’t have to spend a fortune on craft supplies to make cool masks. Just head into your own backyard and you’re sure to find eye-catching leaves, bark and more to glue onto your paper mask.

 

30. Make potato prints

Cut a potato in half, carve in some shapes, cover the carved side in paint, and press onto paper.

 

31. Act out a scene from your favourite movie or book

Everyone has a scene that’s stuck with them for one reason or another. Dress up in your best makeshift costumes and perform it as a family.

 

32. Learn a magic trick

Kidspot has some great child-friendly magic tricks even kids with short attention spans will love to learn.

 

33. Create origami

Paper origami is a great indoor activity for kids. Try making traditional cranes or have some fun with cats and dogs.

 

34. Have a photography competition

Are you living with the next Annie Leibovitz? Give each family member a turn snapping pics on your phone to discover who has the best photography skills.

 

35. Visit a dog park

Even if you don’t have a dog, you can still have fun watching the pups play. Pick out your favourites together and try to guess what their names are.

 

36. Do an alphabet scavenger hunt

Can you find an object that starts with every letter of the alphabet in your home?

 

37. Create a dinosaur city

If your kids have toy dinosaurs, give them a Lost World of their own by making a dinosaur city out of rocks, sticks, dirt, and leaves from the backyard.

 

38. Make a racetrack through the house

Create an elaborate racetrack for toy cars by placing coloured electrical tape or masking tape on the floor throughout the house. Just be sure to pick the toys up when the fun is done to avoid any bruises.

 

39. Learn the alphabet in sign language

Some of our favourite things to do with kids involve learning something new. You’ll find plenty of tutorials for the AUSLAN alphabet online.

 

40. Learn a dance

This is a great way to have fun while tricking your kids into exercise. If your little ones are too young to learn choreography, just play their favourite tunes and have a freestyle boogie instead.

 

41. Make your family tree

Older kids might be especially interested to learn about their family history by making a family tree with you. 

 

42. Create a family scrapbook

Print off all those photos on your phone and make a scrapbook you can look back at for years to come.

 

43. Make nail art

Nail art is a fun and creative way to kill time and express yourself. There are endless designs to bring some personality to your manicure, such as spots, hearts, ladybugs, watermelons, and more.

 

44. Play mini golf

Mini golf or putt putt is a challenging and exciting family activity for all ages. A little incentive goes a long way, so throw in a small prize if you want to make things more interesting.

 

45. Go on a road trip

Stuck in the house? Take a drive to a town you’ve never visited. Check out the main street, take some photos, and grab some lunch.

 

46. Make a time capsule

In an airtight box, add some journal entries and personal items that best summarise life right now. Open together in ten years (if you have the self-control to wait).

 

47. Swap lives

Kids will love dressing up in your clothes and impersonating your role in the house.

 

48. Go for a bike ride

An oldie but a goodie, bike rides are a great way to get outdoors with the family. Play I Spy while riding if you want to spice things up.

 

49. Go bowling

Another family favourite for competitive kids, ten-pin bowling is a fun way to spend a couple of hours out and about.

 

50. See a movie

When all else fails, head to the cinemas.

 

For more family fun, check out these 10 self-isolation activities for kids.

What is Mediation?

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Mediation can be a great way to help two or more people in conflict agree on a mutually acceptable solution.

It might be useful for neighbours disputing over a fence, an employer and employee resolving an issue in the workplace, or helping separated families divide property and/or agree on childcare arrangements.

But what exactly does a mediator do? And how does mediation help?

Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) Practitioner Tara Roberts and FDR Clinical Supervisor and Conflict Coach John Cleary shed some light on family mediation and dispute resolution here.

 

Who uses mediation?

As we touched on above, mediation can be used in a wide range of settings and situations. In this article, we’ll be focusing on family dispute resolution.

Family mediation or dispute resolution is available to anyone who is separating or has separated, including those in de facto or same-sex relationships, and those with or without children.

Mediation can help each party respectfully negotiate issues around parenting, property, finances and more to reach agreements that work for everyone.

 

How does mediation work?

The process is tailored to suit the needs of each party, but it generally starts with an individual intake session to determine whether mediation is a suitable solution.

“After a pretty thorough intake, clients can expect that a mediator will introduce them safely into a structured, problem-solving conversation,” John explains.

“That means that the clients will build an agenda together, artfully shaped by the mediator to maximise its potency. They’ll spend two or three hours per session working through that agenda, considering the problems that sit under each question, and developing ideas for managing the issues better. Then, they will hopefully arrive at some self-authored and mutually understood agreements.”

These sessions normally take two to three hours, and it’s not unusual to require more than one session. You also have the option to discuss with your mediator how the agreements reached can be made legally binding.

 

What does a mediator do?

A mediator acts as a neutral third party to help people in a dispute come to an agreement. Tara explains that the mediator facilitates a discussion that is future-focused and child-focused.

“We aren’t there to make decisions on behalf of the clients,” she says. “We are there to monitor and keep the conversation respectful and about the children. We attempt to move clients from their positions to their interest, from their past to their future, and to their shared goal – which would be their child/ren.”

 

How does mediation help?

This service has many benefits, including:

  • Private and confidential
  • Takes place in a safe and neutral environment
  • Supports positive decision-making
  • Solutions are negotiated and self-determined
  • Builds problem-solving and conflict management skills
  • Can encourage cooperation and improve communication between parties.

“Mediation can help in a number of ways,” Tara says.

“It’s a future-focused discussion which can be helpful when there is a lot of emotion around. It can also be a slow process with minimum of three steps – but that’s a good thing, because we want to prepare our clients and give them lots of resources and child development information.”

John adds that mediation can be extremely beneficial for children of separating parents.

“The benefits to the children of the relationship are probably immeasurable,” he says. “In so many studies, the common sentiment of children involved in separation is for parents to stop fighting and to leave them out of adult issues. Children know best in these matters but are our uncounted customers.”

 

You can learn more about our Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) program here, or call us on 1300 364 277 for help finding the right service for your circumstances.

Tips for Co-Parenting During COVID-19

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We know parenting comes with its highs and lows, but no one could’ve predicted this.

For many, challenges caused by COVID-19 are adding to the stress of already difficult family circumstances.

School closures, travel bans, and social distancing might interfere with your normal co-parenting arrangements, and navigating these changes can cause anxiety for you and your child.

We hope these co-parenting tips make it easier to get through this difficult time.

 

Keep Your Child Informed

While you may want to protect your child from negative news, talking to them about what’s going on can help them understand why things might be a bit different for a while.

When talking to your child about coronavirus, remember to:

  • Remain calm and reassuring
  • Share information in an age-appropriate way
  • Be sensitive to their fear and anxiety
  • Encourage questions
  • Stick to the facts and explain that some information online isn’t true
  • Don’t share more information than you need to in order to avoid overwhelming them
  • Focus on what you’re doing to stay safe and why changes to routine are necessary.

If possible, talk to your co-parent and agree on the best way to approach the topic so your child is getting consistent messages. With the support of both parents, your child may be able to adjust more quickly and easily to new arrangements.

 

Show Them How to Protect Themselves

One of the best ways to protect your child’s safety is to teach them how to follow health advice. It doesn’t have to be scary – for example, you might like to put on their favourite song while showing them how to wash their hands properly to make it a fun learning activity. Or check out The Wiggles: The Handwashing Song.

Explain why playground equipment is a no-go zone and why playdates are off limits for now, and find alternative options to socialise, like video calls and online games with their friends.

Work together with your co-parent to determine rules around hygiene and social distancing to keep your kid’s safety as your main priority.

 

Be Compliant with Court Orders

You still have to meet the terms of court orders and parenting agreements during COVID-19, unless you have a good reason not to or you both agree on other arrangements.

School closures, travel restrictions, or quarantine rules may mean you’re unable to follow some aspects of your court orders. If this is the case, you’ll need to give your co-parent plenty of notice and work together to come up with a solution that suits everyone.

For example, if you’d normally do changeovers at a café, play centre, or shopping centre that’s now closed due to COVID-19, try to agree on a different changeover location.

Be sure to get any changes to your custody agreement in writing – even if it’s just through text message. Keeping a clear record of changes will help everyone, including the Court, to understand what agreements were reached.

The Family Court of Australia has published an FAQs page with more helpful information on co-parenting and family law.

 

Work with Your Co-Parent

Co-parenting involves making plenty of decisions together – especially right now. Try to be flexible and understanding as you work as a team to keep your child’s best interests as your main priority.

For example, if your co-parent is in self-isolation and it’s unsafe for your child to physically spend time with them, accommodate other ways to communicate, such as over the phone or video calls. Offer to make up for the time apart now with more time together in the future.

Understand that times are tough for your co-parent, too, so try to approach tricky conversations with compassion and open-mindedness.

 

Maintain Routine Where you Can

While you may need to make changes to your normal arrangements, it’s important to try and maintain some sense of ‘normal’ for your child by setting a daily routine.

Routine makes children feel safe. Keeping days structured with regular mealtimes and bedtimes can help bring them a sense of comfort and security during a time of immense change and uncertainty.

 

Keep Up to Date on Important Information

Health advice and government guidelines are changing rapidly. Pay attention to the latest information and updates with reputable sources such as:

 

Look After Yourself

This is a stressful time for everyone, and it’s reasonable to be feeling anxious. A few ways to maintain your emotional wellbeing might include:

  • Staying in touch with friends and family via safe mediums such as text, phone calls, video calls, and letters
  • Finding support from other parents in online groups and forums
  • Eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep
  • Taking a break from negative news in the media.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and need to talk to someone, you can access our telephone counselling on 1300 364 277. Our professional counsellors are available to talk Mon-Fri 8am-8pm and Sat 10am-4pm.

 

Infographic: Tips for Co-Parenting During COVID-19

Grandparents and Coronavirus: How to Bond with the Grandkids from Afar

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The coronavirus is worrisome for everyone, but it’s especially dangerous for older adults.

People aged 65 years and older with existing chronic medical conditions, and people aged 70 years and older, are considered to be at higher risk of serious illness if they’re infected.

As coronavirus has been shown to disproportionally impact older adults, families are facing difficult decisions about whether their children should continue to have physical contact with their grandparents.

Social distancing is one of the best defences against contracting COVID-19. But a lack of in-person contact can be difficult for children and older loved ones who have suddenly found themselves separated.

Luckily, there are plenty of fun activities to help grandparents and grandchildren stay close while they’re apart.

 

Write a Letter with a Twist

Even with the internet at our fingertips, there’s nothing like receiving something in the mail – and this is the perfect time to become pen pals with your grandchildren.

Traditional letters are fun and all, but we think kids will be running to check the mail with these unique ideas.

Use Invisible Ink

Your grandchild will feel like a secret agent uncovering your hidden message written in invisible ink. Follow these steps to make your own invisible ink at home using lemon juice.

Create a Find-a-Word

Another creative way to send a special message, a personalised find-a-word turns a simple note into a fun activity for your grandchild.

Don’t Use Paper

Write inside a book, on the back of a photo, or even on a frisbee. This is a fun way to mix things up and keep your grandchild on their toes!

Write ‘Open When’ Letters

An ‘open when’ letter comes with the instruction to open at a later date or in a specific situation. Grandkids of all ages will love the added element of suspense with these letters. This is a great way to remind them you’re there for them even when you can’t physically be there.

Some ‘open when’ letter ideas include:

  • Open when you miss me
  • Open when you’re feeling blue
  • Open when you want to laugh
  • Open when you have a nightmare
  • Open when you’re feeling unwell
  • Open when you need a pep talk
  • Open on your birthday.

 

Have Fun over Video Calls

You may not be able to play and cuddle in person, but video calls are the next best thing.

Video call apps like Skype, WhatsApp, and FaceTime allow you to see your grandchild’s facial expressions as you talk.

All you need is a smartphone, tablet or computer (with built-in camera or webcam) and an internet connection, and you’re ready for some quality time through your screens.

Read Together

Thanks to video calls, you don’t have to miss out on bonding over picture books. You can read books for fun or help them with their homework by having them read out loud to you.

Have a Dance Party

Put on some music, set up your devices where you can see each other, and bust a move! If you’d prefer to stay seated, try singing nursery rhymes and doing the hand movements to favourites like The Itsy Bitsy Spider and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Perform a Puppet Show

Treat your grandchild with a front-row seat to their very own private puppet show! Get crafty and draw faces on a couple of wooden spoons, adding a tissue or handkerchief for a dress. Or simply draw eyes and a mouth on a couple of socks. Whatever you use, little ones are sure to be entertained and delighted.

Show and Tell

Show and tells are a great way to get kids talking. You might like to ask your grandchild to give you a tour of their bedroom, show off their favourite toys, or get their pet on video.

Is social distancing impacting your mental health? Discover our practical tips to protect your emotional wellbeing in the coronavirus outbreak, or call us on 1300 364 277. Our telephone counsellors are available Mon-Fri 8am-8pm and Sat 10am-4pm.

Supporting families recovering from disasters

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The flood waters are slowly residing to reveal the extent of damage to property, personal belongings, and loved ones including pets.  Enormous loss is experienced on  all levels, for the individual, family and communities affected. Impacts of natural disasters are usually felt in two waves, the first is the physical impact of the task before us, the clean up, insurance claims, replacing property, grieving over lost items, photos, pets.
The first wave is generally a call to action, people busy themselves doing what they can to have a productive impact on recovering from the disaster.  The second wave is somewhat more complicated in that it normally hits once life starts to resemble normal once again, after the clean up is over, and life is functional again.  It is at this time that we slow down and the grief and loss catches up with us.  It is critical that we support ourselves and one another through both of these impact times.
Tips for managing immediately after the crisis:

  • Don’t be afraid to talk about how you are feeling
  • Physical productivity assists with the sense of moving forward and is therapeutic, but be careful no to overdo it
  • Don’t allow the clean up to consume you 24/7, take time for a conversation with a friend, or a walk or drive to change the scenery, even 5 minutes helps.
  • Remember to eat regularly, be mindful of sleeping patterns, and monitor alcohol consumption
  • Set yourself a reasonable ‘to do’ list each day
  • Accept help that is offered, don’t go it alone
  • Stay connected with family, friends, community supports

Tips for managing after things settle down:

  • Reflect positively on your achievements in pulling everything back together
  • Reflect on those family or friends or neighbours that helped out, also on what you have done or others
  • Continue to talk about the experience when you need to
  • This may be a good time to talk to someone with skills in the area, a local community counselling service can assist.